Ten ways to maintain a long-term romance
Do you ever watch silver-haired couples who hold hands and still have a twinkle in their eye for each other, and ask yourself how they do it? How do they stay happy and romantic over decades? Do you wonder if you can be lucky enough to have a relationship like that? Well, my hair isn't yet silver, although there are more strands of gray popping up every day, but I am happily married to a silver-haired man with a serious eye twinkle, who still loves to hold my hand. Today marks twenty (twenty!!!) years of marriage for us!
We recently returned from a magical anniversary trip to Costa Rica, and on the plane ride home, I asked my husband, "What's different about us and our relationship compared to when we were on our honeymoon?" and "What do you think we've done that's allowed this to last so long?" He probably started with a joke - he always does and I love him for that! But then we got serious and wondered. Interestingly, our relationship isn't all that different. We started on really solid ground. Here's what we concluded has allowed us to be so happy for so long, organized into ten tips you can use in your own romance.
1. You trust each other. If you can't trust each other, there's no sense of safety. If you can't trust the other person to open up and be your real self, then you're having a "pretend relationship", as Martha Beck says, because the other person isn't seeing the real you.
2. You appreciate each other in little ways, all the time. There are at least a hundred opportunities to say thank you to your partner, every day. Thank you for mowing. Thank you for picking up shampoo. Thank you for cleaning the litter box. Thank you for folding the laundry before I got to it. Thank you for listening to me. There are a thousand opportunities to reach out with a touch, a look, a special word. We don't take for granted all the little things each of us do to keep a household running. We leave notes for each other, with little hearts on them. We tell each other we love each other, over and over and over.
3. You make everyday activities a treat. A sliced strawberry garnishing the pancakes. A rose cut from the garden and put by the bedside table. A bath outdoors in the clawfoot tub. Sitting in the grass with the cats, just chatting. Sunset bike rides. We tend to prefer our treats small, inexpensive or free, and prolific. Neither of us is big into large elaborate gifts - we almost always choose experiences. And we generally don't save those up for once a year blow outs. We choose lots of little treats every day. Don't wait for Valentine's Day or anniversaries to share a treat, or create a special experience around something small. That also includes all kinds of physical intimacy - don't wait. Enjoy it, in brief stolen moments and long languorous hours together.
4. You share your own secret language, stories and intimacies. Silly names. Funny lines lifted from a movie. We have a special signature for texts and emails and what the abbreviation means is only for us. These tiny intimacies comfort and connect you together over years of shared experiences.
5. You confide in them first. Whether the news is good or bad, your partner is the first one you want to tell. When you're trying to figure out what to do, you want to know what they think. Sure, you might still consult friends or coworkers or other family members, and value their insight and support as well, but ultimately, your sweetheart is the one you go to.
6. You want the best for the other person, and you'll support them to live their dreams. It's exhilarating to see them try new things and succeed - to cheer them on, to watch the magic happen. And you're there when things don't go as smoothly either - when it's scary, when it's overwhelming- you're there to let them know you can still see the possibility of their dream. I recently cry-talked like Mary Tyler Moore on the Dick Van Dyke show about some fearful setback that really wasn't that big a deal, and my sweet husband reminded me of all the ways he sees my success, that everything is working out, and that all is truly well.
7. You want to end a fight more than you want to be right, and you don't bring up ancient history in the middle of an altercation. If both of you care deeply about each other, then neither one is happy when you're fighting. Sometimes it takes a few attempts, but it's really hard to fight with someone who is listening, trying to understand, trying to come to a resolution, and making sure they're heard too. Remembering that, "oh yeah, you're on the same team" starts to kick in and things settle to the point you can actually talk instead of yelling. Oh and that part about don't go to bed angry? That's a good one too.
8. You are generous with humor. Laughter solves so much! My husband wins in this department. He's the funny one. Many a tense moment has been diffused by a well-timed joke or silly voice. I would laugh a whole lot less often if he weren't in my life. And if we can't laugh about it now, we usually can in a week or two. Humor relieves, it heals, it bonds. Sprinkle it everywhere.
9. You have "space in your togetherness." I believe that's from a Kahlil Gibran writing on marriage - the one often read aloud at weddings - "Let there be space in your togetherness." Well good old Kahlil has a point. You don't have to love all of the same things. You don't have to do everything together. Each of you can pursue your passions and the other doesn't have to come along for every minute of every experience. While my sweetheart and I love to climb into our little sedan loaded down with camping gear and a cooler and go off on an adventure together for weeks at a time, we also do plenty of enjoying life on our own. He may go to a music event without me. I went and hiked the entire Appalachian Trail without him. It works. Especially because of #1, trust.
10. You are each other's biggest fans. There's nothing worse than going home to someone you know is going to be critical, who sees you as a work in progress, who wants to improve or reform you. Sometimes this can be done under the guise of love, but there's a difference between supporting each other to be your best selves and believing the other person needs fixing. We tell each other how much we admire each other on a regular basis. We truly believe in each other. We see the best in each other, and we tell each other about it.
20 years later. Same location, same bakery made the cake. He is making me laugh!
Sometimes I discount our good fortune. We haven't had much trauma to test our love. We haven't lost everything, although we thought we might have in the first days of Katrina when everyone believed that all of New Orleans was gone forever. We haven't suffered from serious health issues, deaths, or other losses. We pretty much only have ourselves and our cats to worry about. So maybe our circumstances have made it extra-easy.
Nevertheless, these tips are solid. They'll work in good times and bad. They'll work as long as both of you are loving, honest, caring people who are enjoying the journey together more than apart.
anniversary ribbons
A different kind of Valentine's Day checklist
I think what set me off were the clamshell containers of fresh rose petals at Whole Foods. Displayed next to shelves packed with champagne and raspberries, whipped cream and brie cheese. Not far from racks and racks of cards with red envelopes and foiled, gem-encrusted hearts. And displays of chocolate specifically for melting propped alongside baskets of giant strawberries. I could feel myself getting panicky. My over-active brain was frantically checking the boxes – that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic!!
My body was not really involved while my brain enthusiastically encouraged me, “Get all the things!”
Had I been at Wal-Mart instead, I would have encountered aisles crammed floor to ceiling with stuffed bears, cheap candy and Mylar balloons, and a similar desperate voice in my head noting that all of this was sweet and romantic, and such a bargain!
Instead, I stopped and pondered: What is it about Valentine’s Day?
So many messages encouraging you to prove your love with something you purchase. Lots and lots of pressure to do something really romantic and super special.
I remember the time I was handed a “Valentine’s Day Checklist” at my local grocery store. As if it wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day unless I purchased cookies, cupcakes, flowers, bubbly, balloons, cards, stuffed animals and more.
Look, I’m not opposed to delicious cheese, scrumptious chocolate and fragrant flowers. And there are berries and champagne in our fridge right now.
But all the “stuff” can get in the way of what we’re really seeking to feel when we find ourselves filling our carts with red, white and pink.
So here’s a simpler, kinder, Valentine’s Day checklist. Try it whether you have a sweetheart or not. And enjoy the day your way!
1. Slow down to savor. Whether it’s a special meal, one piece of chocolate, a walk in snowy woods alone, or cuddling under the covers together, go slow. Use every sense to drench yourself in the present moment. Breathe and wake up. How lucky to be alive!
2. Keep it simple. Pick one or two things you most want. Enjoy those deeply and fully. Relax about the rest – you don’t need all of it.
3. Seek what you prefer. This day belongs to you, not Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or a million ads and displays. What do you really want? Time alone? Curling up with a book? Pancakes? A bath? A quiet dinner? Pink cocktails? It doesn’t need to appeal to anyone but you.
4. Focus on love. Love is not about stuff. It’s not about bling, money, jewelry, bears, candles, roses or anything else the stores with big displays and ads want you to believe. It’s about being deeply and truly present. It’s about connection. Whether you have a sweetheart or are on your own, you can choose connection on Valentine’s Day. Open your heart. Let love flow forth like a beam of golden light. Connect with other humans, with the sky and clouds, with trees and animals, with stars and the moon. Love is abundantly available to you in a million ways, to be given and received. And no red envelopes or velvet boxes are required.
I have a sweetheart. I have no idea what we are doing tomorrow. We will decide as we go. We will genuinely see how each of us feels. We might pack a cooler of treats and walk up to the parades, we might stay home all day and cocoon-- we might do some of both. We might light candles, drink champagne and eat raspberries. We might make a fire or fix French toast. We might work on projects around the house.
Here’s what I know for sure: We are in love. It requires no proof. The greatest gift I can offer is to be awake, present, and undistracted. To see him. And love him.
And if I suddenly need some rose petals, I know where to find them!
What to do when every day feels like Groundhog Day
You know the movie, of course. Bill Murray wakes up to the same day every day for a very very long time.
Ever feel that way in real life? Like if you have to wash that pot, clean that sink, choose an outfit, go to the store again(!) or even bathe, that you'll lose it? Ever feel tired of the routines of daily life?
Ever clear out your in box only to find it full twenty minutes later and wonder what the heck the point is? Like when you reply to all the people you've been putting off replying to, and then they REPLY BACK and you're right back to where you started?
Ever wonder how to get to the main thing, the big ideas, the real meat of life, when so much of your time is spent simply going through the actions of general subsistence, like eating, sleeping and keeping yourself generally presentable?
Ever feel like you've done enough for one day by 8:30 a.m. and now it should be nap time?
I get it. I crave a day of catch up for every day of life.
But that's not how it works. So when you're feeling groundhogged out, try one or two of these easy strategies to reboot and refresh. (You know them - this is just a reminder, because I need a reminder too!)
Embrace the mundane. Stop to really smell the dish soap, hear the water running. Feel the warm suds. See the squeaky clean plate. Use your senses to bring you to the present moment. Close your eyes and listen. To voices of kids, coworkers, sweethearts. To breezes. Feel textures, temperatures. See the colors around you. Locate the light. Breathe. Try it right now for just thirty seconds.
Slow down even when you're sure you're behind. Catching up isn't really attainable, because there's always going to be more. So slowing down and enjoying might work just as well. Trees don't say, "Oh good, I'm caught up photosynthesising, finally! Now I can relax."
Pretend you're an angel for a day and that your only job is to radiate gratitude, love and kindness. Whether or not you get to your in box. Or tackle that pile of projects, laundry, whatever. Remember how Bill Murray gets kinder, happier, and more pleasant by the end of the movie? And you realize he could have chosen that option from the start? Choose it.
Abandon your productivity goals and go outside. Take a five minute walk. Ask the sky, birds, trees or flowers for some advice. Chances are it's going to be good, and that it involves something about paying attention, gratitude, grace, happiness or love.
Notice that you are FINE right now. You're breathing. Your senses work. You are not in danger, most likely. (Unless there's a land shark ringing your doorbell...) Breathe into your okayness. Notice if you're actually better than okay. And even if you're sick, or close to death, or really really sad, or just fighting the common cold like I am today, remember that fundamentally, in this exact moment, you are still ok.
Do something different. If your routines are boring you, shake them up. Wear something you don't usually wear. Go somewhere you don't usually go. Talk to someone you wouldn't normally talk to. Ask for something you don't usually ask for. Choose a radio station you wouldn't usually listen to. Comment on something you wouldn't usually comment on.
Clear your space. If you're overwhelmed by clutter, just sweep off a big area - a shelf, your desk, your nightstand -- and make a space. Ahh. Now you can see and think. And decide one by one if whatever you cleared gets permission to return to the space or whether it's time to let it go.
Do it now. Do something. Take some action, even if it's not perfect. Sometimes the best way out of a Groundhog Day-type rut is just to do something. Set the timer for 15 minutes and get started. Notice how great you feel and see if the momentum helps you continue.
Try again later. Yes - it's the opposite of do it now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is step away, abandon it all for an hour or two-- or a day or two-- and then come back with clear eyes. Pick something pleasant to occupy your time in the meantime. A nap, a walk, a piece of fruit, time with a pet, time to gaze out the window and watch the weather.
It's just life, people. It's ok to drop the desperation for accomplishment and just savor the moment. You know it, so let yourself feel it and really do it. If you're Bill Murray, you might even get the girl!
Craving company during the holidays? 7 ways to be merry with others
It's the most social time of the year and you're home with your houseplant. Are you away from family and friends, maybe in a new city? Are you feeling lonely, bored, or antsy? Do you gain most of your your energy from time with people? Here are seven quick tips when you need the company of others during the holidays.
1. Scan Meetup groups, Facebook events, or your local newspaper. In the social media era, there are always so many cool things going on and they're easier and easier to find! Don't be afraid to go alone - you'll surely meet some kindred spirits to conspire with!
2. Volunteer. Soup kitchens. Homeless shelters. Old folks homes. There's no better cure for solo ennui than striking up a conversation with someone who could really use the company. Be present and compassionate for others and feel your spirits lift!
3. House sit for someone with a dog, and head to a dog park. Meet other friendly dog people and enjoy the romping excited energy of happy pups! Or just volunteer to take a busy friend's dog out for the afternoon.
4. Create your own random kindness activity. Hand out candy canes or flowers. Write sweet notes and pass them out. Bake cookies and set up a "free cookie table" at a nearby park. Be creative. Maybe someone will video you, it will go viral and you'll end up with a spot on the Today Show! :)
5. Go to a class. Fitness. Yoga. Pottery painting. Cooking. There are so many fun ways to hang out with others and learn something too.
6. Make your own party, large or small. Invite new friends to a cookie baking party. Or a wine tasting, or holiday card writing. Or Netflix watching. Or something else you love but would love to do with someone else. Ask one or two people to join you for breakfast, lunch, coffee, a walk, or your other favorite thing. It's really common for people to assume that everyone else is busy during the holidays, but it's not true! Ask and you'll be surprised who's also looking for company!
7. Just open up and smile. Strike up conversations with strangers. It's amazing how people want to share but don't always perceive the invitation. Be a good listener. When you find someone whose personality resonates with yours, stick around.
If you're new to town or just finding yourself on your own it's easy to believe that everyone else is already set with a scintillating social life and no room for you. But the truth is there are plenty of other people out there looking for something fun and happy to do with someone kind and pleasant - you!
And if some of your invitations and welcoming overtures are turned down, that's ok! Don't let one"No, I can't make it this weekend" mean anything except that person is busy, tired, or maybe trying to get some down time - see link below!
Need quiet time during the holidays? 9 ways to get some space.
Are you an introvert who plays an extrovert on TV? Or are you simply a straight-up introvert? Try these tips when you need a break from the parties, the football games, the relatives, and the crowds.
1. Offer to house sit. Then you can go to someone else's empty home and visit with their cat or plants or whatever you're watching. You'll have an oasis of quiet and you can get away any time by simply exclaiming, "Oh! I just remembered! I need to go to _______'s house and feed their bird/cat/iguana/boa constrictor."
2. Take a walk. Before or after a meal, at half time, in the morning, at sunset - these are all great times to say, "I'm going out for a walk. I'll see y'all in about a half hour or so." If people want to join you and you'd prefer to be completely alone, explain that you'll be doing a silent walking meditation. Which brings us to a wonderful alone-time option:
3. Meditate. Sometimes people understand "I'm off to do my daily meditation" better than "I really need some alone time." So whether you have a rich and fulfilling meditation practice or not, you can go to a room, close the door, and be by yourself, whether you're silently chanting a mantra or just relaxing with your thoughts.
4. Nap. Jet lag. General holiday exhaustion. Getting over a cold or the flu. A late night of partying. There are so many reasons to offer why you might need to spirit yourself away for a delicious restorative nap. If you're not tired but just want to be alone, you can bring a magazine or book under the covers with you. Holidays are made for napping. Find your favorite cozy spot and prioritize the daily holiday nap.
5. Go running. If you're an athlete, there's nothing like a solo run to clear your head and give you space for yourself. Pop in your favorite tunes, put on your headphones and hustle out the door. Or choose to take in the sounds of nature - breezes through the branches, rustling leaves, crunching frost underfoot- you'll be restored in no time!
6. Volunteer to go to the store for the last minute grocery items/batteries/baked goods/whatever. Sure, you'll have to brave the crowds, but you don't have to interact with strangers except to smile peacefully, so it's almost like being on your own! Then take an extra detour on the way home, stop at a park or a view-- or just sit in the parking lot! - and enjoy five or ten minutes of quiet for yourself.
7. Take a long bath. Add a lot of bath salts. Light some candles. Climb in and close your eyes. Ahhhh.
8. Go to a museum, house of worship or other quiet indoor space. If you're in a place where temps are below freezing, you can get your alone time inside. Even in the most crowded museum in New York City, you'll find rooms and galleries where there's hardly a soul. Relax on a bench and stare at a painting for 20 minutes. Or go to a place of worship, light a candle and sit in silent contemplation.
9. Just stay home. There's no rule that says you have to attend every social event that's available. If you're 18 or over, even if you feel social pressure to be everywhere, know that you have all the choice in the world to do what you really want. Take advantage of that. Unplug your phone, disconnect your computer, make some tea or hot cocoa and curl up with a good book. If you need to, tell folks you'll be out of town. Then stay put and enjoy. Ahhh.