Ten ways to maintain a long-term romance
Do you ever watch silver-haired couples who hold hands and still have a twinkle in their eye for each other, and ask yourself how they do it? How do they stay happy and romantic over decades? Do you wonder if you can be lucky enough to have a relationship like that? Well, my hair isn't yet silver, although there are more strands of gray popping up every day, but I am happily married to a silver-haired man with a serious eye twinkle, who still loves to hold my hand. Today marks twenty (twenty!!!) years of marriage for us!
We recently returned from a magical anniversary trip to Costa Rica, and on the plane ride home, I asked my husband, "What's different about us and our relationship compared to when we were on our honeymoon?" and "What do you think we've done that's allowed this to last so long?" He probably started with a joke - he always does and I love him for that! But then we got serious and wondered. Interestingly, our relationship isn't all that different. We started on really solid ground. Here's what we concluded has allowed us to be so happy for so long, organized into ten tips you can use in your own romance.
1. You trust each other. If you can't trust each other, there's no sense of safety. If you can't trust the other person to open up and be your real self, then you're having a "pretend relationship", as Martha Beck says, because the other person isn't seeing the real you.
2. You appreciate each other in little ways, all the time. There are at least a hundred opportunities to say thank you to your partner, every day. Thank you for mowing. Thank you for picking up shampoo. Thank you for cleaning the litter box. Thank you for folding the laundry before I got to it. Thank you for listening to me. There are a thousand opportunities to reach out with a touch, a look, a special word. We don't take for granted all the little things each of us do to keep a household running. We leave notes for each other, with little hearts on them. We tell each other we love each other, over and over and over.
3. You make everyday activities a treat. A sliced strawberry garnishing the pancakes. A rose cut from the garden and put by the bedside table. A bath outdoors in the clawfoot tub. Sitting in the grass with the cats, just chatting. Sunset bike rides. We tend to prefer our treats small, inexpensive or free, and prolific. Neither of us is big into large elaborate gifts - we almost always choose experiences. And we generally don't save those up for once a year blow outs. We choose lots of little treats every day. Don't wait for Valentine's Day or anniversaries to share a treat, or create a special experience around something small. That also includes all kinds of physical intimacy - don't wait. Enjoy it, in brief stolen moments and long languorous hours together.
4. You share your own secret language, stories and intimacies. Silly names. Funny lines lifted from a movie. We have a special signature for texts and emails and what the abbreviation means is only for us. These tiny intimacies comfort and connect you together over years of shared experiences.
5. You confide in them first. Whether the news is good or bad, your partner is the first one you want to tell. When you're trying to figure out what to do, you want to know what they think. Sure, you might still consult friends or coworkers or other family members, and value their insight and support as well, but ultimately, your sweetheart is the one you go to.
6. You want the best for the other person, and you'll support them to live their dreams. It's exhilarating to see them try new things and succeed - to cheer them on, to watch the magic happen. And you're there when things don't go as smoothly either - when it's scary, when it's overwhelming- you're there to let them know you can still see the possibility of their dream. I recently cry-talked like Mary Tyler Moore on the Dick Van Dyke show about some fearful setback that really wasn't that big a deal, and my sweet husband reminded me of all the ways he sees my success, that everything is working out, and that all is truly well.
7. You want to end a fight more than you want to be right, and you don't bring up ancient history in the middle of an altercation. If both of you care deeply about each other, then neither one is happy when you're fighting. Sometimes it takes a few attempts, but it's really hard to fight with someone who is listening, trying to understand, trying to come to a resolution, and making sure they're heard too. Remembering that, "oh yeah, you're on the same team" starts to kick in and things settle to the point you can actually talk instead of yelling. Oh and that part about don't go to bed angry? That's a good one too.
8. You are generous with humor. Laughter solves so much! My husband wins in this department. He's the funny one. Many a tense moment has been diffused by a well-timed joke or silly voice. I would laugh a whole lot less often if he weren't in my life. And if we can't laugh about it now, we usually can in a week or two. Humor relieves, it heals, it bonds. Sprinkle it everywhere.
9. You have "space in your togetherness." I believe that's from a Kahlil Gibran writing on marriage - the one often read aloud at weddings - "Let there be space in your togetherness." Well good old Kahlil has a point. You don't have to love all of the same things. You don't have to do everything together. Each of you can pursue your passions and the other doesn't have to come along for every minute of every experience. While my sweetheart and I love to climb into our little sedan loaded down with camping gear and a cooler and go off on an adventure together for weeks at a time, we also do plenty of enjoying life on our own. He may go to a music event without me. I went and hiked the entire Appalachian Trail without him. It works. Especially because of #1, trust.
10. You are each other's biggest fans. There's nothing worse than going home to someone you know is going to be critical, who sees you as a work in progress, who wants to improve or reform you. Sometimes this can be done under the guise of love, but there's a difference between supporting each other to be your best selves and believing the other person needs fixing. We tell each other how much we admire each other on a regular basis. We truly believe in each other. We see the best in each other, and we tell each other about it.
20 years later. Same location, same bakery made the cake. He is making me laugh!
Sometimes I discount our good fortune. We haven't had much trauma to test our love. We haven't lost everything, although we thought we might have in the first days of Katrina when everyone believed that all of New Orleans was gone forever. We haven't suffered from serious health issues, deaths, or other losses. We pretty much only have ourselves and our cats to worry about. So maybe our circumstances have made it extra-easy.
Nevertheless, these tips are solid. They'll work in good times and bad. They'll work as long as both of you are loving, honest, caring people who are enjoying the journey together more than apart.
anniversary ribbons
A different kind of Valentine's Day checklist
I think what set me off were the clamshell containers of fresh rose petals at Whole Foods. Displayed next to shelves packed with champagne and raspberries, whipped cream and brie cheese. Not far from racks and racks of cards with red envelopes and foiled, gem-encrusted hearts. And displays of chocolate specifically for melting propped alongside baskets of giant strawberries. I could feel myself getting panicky. My over-active brain was frantically checking the boxes – that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic!!
My body was not really involved while my brain enthusiastically encouraged me, “Get all the things!”
Had I been at Wal-Mart instead, I would have encountered aisles crammed floor to ceiling with stuffed bears, cheap candy and Mylar balloons, and a similar desperate voice in my head noting that all of this was sweet and romantic, and such a bargain!
Instead, I stopped and pondered: What is it about Valentine’s Day?
So many messages encouraging you to prove your love with something you purchase. Lots and lots of pressure to do something really romantic and super special.
I remember the time I was handed a “Valentine’s Day Checklist” at my local grocery store. As if it wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day unless I purchased cookies, cupcakes, flowers, bubbly, balloons, cards, stuffed animals and more.
Look, I’m not opposed to delicious cheese, scrumptious chocolate and fragrant flowers. And there are berries and champagne in our fridge right now.
But all the “stuff” can get in the way of what we’re really seeking to feel when we find ourselves filling our carts with red, white and pink.
So here’s a simpler, kinder, Valentine’s Day checklist. Try it whether you have a sweetheart or not. And enjoy the day your way!
1. Slow down to savor. Whether it’s a special meal, one piece of chocolate, a walk in snowy woods alone, or cuddling under the covers together, go slow. Use every sense to drench yourself in the present moment. Breathe and wake up. How lucky to be alive!
2. Keep it simple. Pick one or two things you most want. Enjoy those deeply and fully. Relax about the rest – you don’t need all of it.
3. Seek what you prefer. This day belongs to you, not Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or a million ads and displays. What do you really want? Time alone? Curling up with a book? Pancakes? A bath? A quiet dinner? Pink cocktails? It doesn’t need to appeal to anyone but you.
4. Focus on love. Love is not about stuff. It’s not about bling, money, jewelry, bears, candles, roses or anything else the stores with big displays and ads want you to believe. It’s about being deeply and truly present. It’s about connection. Whether you have a sweetheart or are on your own, you can choose connection on Valentine’s Day. Open your heart. Let love flow forth like a beam of golden light. Connect with other humans, with the sky and clouds, with trees and animals, with stars and the moon. Love is abundantly available to you in a million ways, to be given and received. And no red envelopes or velvet boxes are required.
I have a sweetheart. I have no idea what we are doing tomorrow. We will decide as we go. We will genuinely see how each of us feels. We might pack a cooler of treats and walk up to the parades, we might stay home all day and cocoon-- we might do some of both. We might light candles, drink champagne and eat raspberries. We might make a fire or fix French toast. We might work on projects around the house.
Here’s what I know for sure: We are in love. It requires no proof. The greatest gift I can offer is to be awake, present, and undistracted. To see him. And love him.
And if I suddenly need some rose petals, I know where to find them!
Craving company during the holidays? 7 ways to be merry with others
It's the most social time of the year and you're home with your houseplant. Are you away from family and friends, maybe in a new city? Are you feeling lonely, bored, or antsy? Do you gain most of your your energy from time with people? Here are seven quick tips when you need the company of others during the holidays.
1. Scan Meetup groups, Facebook events, or your local newspaper. In the social media era, there are always so many cool things going on and they're easier and easier to find! Don't be afraid to go alone - you'll surely meet some kindred spirits to conspire with!
2. Volunteer. Soup kitchens. Homeless shelters. Old folks homes. There's no better cure for solo ennui than striking up a conversation with someone who could really use the company. Be present and compassionate for others and feel your spirits lift!
3. House sit for someone with a dog, and head to a dog park. Meet other friendly dog people and enjoy the romping excited energy of happy pups! Or just volunteer to take a busy friend's dog out for the afternoon.
4. Create your own random kindness activity. Hand out candy canes or flowers. Write sweet notes and pass them out. Bake cookies and set up a "free cookie table" at a nearby park. Be creative. Maybe someone will video you, it will go viral and you'll end up with a spot on the Today Show! :)
5. Go to a class. Fitness. Yoga. Pottery painting. Cooking. There are so many fun ways to hang out with others and learn something too.
6. Make your own party, large or small. Invite new friends to a cookie baking party. Or a wine tasting, or holiday card writing. Or Netflix watching. Or something else you love but would love to do with someone else. Ask one or two people to join you for breakfast, lunch, coffee, a walk, or your other favorite thing. It's really common for people to assume that everyone else is busy during the holidays, but it's not true! Ask and you'll be surprised who's also looking for company!
7. Just open up and smile. Strike up conversations with strangers. It's amazing how people want to share but don't always perceive the invitation. Be a good listener. When you find someone whose personality resonates with yours, stick around.
If you're new to town or just finding yourself on your own it's easy to believe that everyone else is already set with a scintillating social life and no room for you. But the truth is there are plenty of other people out there looking for something fun and happy to do with someone kind and pleasant - you!
And if some of your invitations and welcoming overtures are turned down, that's ok! Don't let one"No, I can't make it this weekend" mean anything except that person is busy, tired, or maybe trying to get some down time - see link below!
Imagination makes anything possible! I saw it at the airport!
So I recently returned from a convention of life coaches. Over 400 Martha Beck-trained coaches, and Martha herself, basically creating an incredible positive energy vortex around a beautiful high rise hotel in sunny San Diego. On the last day, Martha spoke to us about the power of imagination. And especially the power of imagination in service of love rather than fear. What's possible when we imagine this way is infinitely amazing and wonderful. And sometimes just plain fun, like this cat-certo - a concerto created around a YouTube video of a piano-playing cat!
I ran into a very simple example of the power of imagination in the LAX airport. There's a food vendor there called "Lemonade", and the wall of their dining area is bordered by giant script letters spelling "lemonade lemonade." This isn't that big an engineering feat, I know, but I was amazed. Here's what went through my mind: "Someone had to have the idea of making the wall of the restaurant out of giant script letters. Then they needed to quiet the part of their mind that said, You can't do that - it's silly. Or it's too hard." They imagined it, and then they figured out how to do it.
It's a beautiful concept - a lovely restaurant, and a fresh food oasis in the middle of the airport. I got curious and went to their website and found this - looks like imagination in service of love to me! Yum!
The tricky thing with imagination is how powerful it is. When we get good at using our imaginations and getting out of our own way, it becomes easier and easier to create whatever we envision. Which is amazing! Yet sometimes when we get what we imagined, we realize it's not what we really wanted in the first place. Like all the stories with genies in them, we are taught to be careful what we wish for - we might get it!
Here are some tips to getting what you actually want using your imagination:
1. Begin with your feelings. How do you want to feel? Everything you wish for, from cars to a cool job to a wonderful partner to a beautiful home or a tropical vacation, or even world peace, you wish for because it's going to make you feel a certain way. What you really want is the feeling.
2. Visualize. Use any tool you want - writing, collages, daydreaming - to picture your desire. Be detailed. Be bold. Be even more unreasonable than giant script letters spelling lemonade!
3. Pre-member. Imagine it has already happened. Bask in the glow of your desire and the feeling you get from having it. Feel the fantastic feeling now.
4. Take steps in the real world. Tell people about your desires. (Ok. I will tell you one of mine. My current unrealistic "lemonade lemonade" desire is to bond with big cats but only in a way that doesn't harm or exploit them. I have no idea how this will happen. I really want to hug them but this seems exploitative in just about every scenario I can imagine. Or if it's not exploitative it seems dangerous.) I have many slightly more doable desires that I'm taking steps toward as well. And telling people about. And imagining how they might be possible.
5. Pop back to that feeling again. Any way you can get a taste of it now? The feeling I'm looking for with the big cats is connection - oneness. I can do that with so many species - not just big cats! I can bond with my small cat. I can hang out with the birds, squirrels, turtles and bees in the yard. I can watch videos of beautiful wild big cats. I can learn more about animal communication. Curious what I mean? Check out this gorgeous video of an animal communicator connecting with a black leopard. (I know it might be heavily edited and "storified", but it's still a beautiful video. And there is lots of lion hugging at the beginning!) I can donate to sanctuaries that rescue and don't exploit big cats. You may find a very simple beautiful way to get the feeling you want - without having to create anything complicated!
6. What if you create something you realize you didn't want after all? Maybe your dream job or dream house doesn't feel that way anymore - maybe it's not what you expected. That's ok - start again! Take another direction - try something completely different, or just tweak things slightly to connect you back to the feeling you were looking for. You don't have to stick with what you have just because you created it once - you can try something completely different! That's the power of imagination.
Oh, and if you know of a way I can hang out (unexploitatively) with big cats, let me know!
Eight last-minute holiday money traps and how to avoid them!
Being overloaded with holiday debt is not part of my plan for living a wild and precious life, and I bet it's not yours either. So I've compiled some quick tips to help you in these final days of holiday rushing around to stay centered. Watch out for these holiday money traps, and remember that the holidays are actually about love and togetherness, which is happily free!
1. The Holiday Sale Trap: Everything's on sale! 20-50% off! There must be something you need for yourself or as a gift! If you're not there, you're missing out! Notice and question where messages from outside are impacting how you think you should be spending your time and money. I also call this "cashmere sweater syndrome". What is it about cashmere and the holidays? Sure, if you need some cashmere, this is certainly the time to get it, but I'll tell you, thrift stores are great places to find cashmere sweaters too. Most of us are drowning in sweaters, so check in if you really need any more.
2. The "Ghost of Holidays Past" Trap: Are you celebrating traditions that don't fit your current lifestyle anymore? Do some of these traditions cost money? For example, are your kids grown but you're still buying silly trinkets for their stockings, thinking that if you stop they'll be disappointed? It might be worth having a conversation. Maybe your kids haven't said anything because they don't want to upset you. My ghost is holiday cookies. I used to bake a dozen different kinds of cookies every year. For a long time, I enjoyed it. And I still enjoy baking. But this year I decided to bake when I feel like it, try some new recipes maybe, and not worry about the giant pile of cookies. And all has been fine! Traditions are wonderful, but if you have some "ghostlike" traditions that aren't serving you anymore, just hanging around rattling their chains, consider chucking them. Everyone might be relieved!
3. The "Money Equals Love" Trap: You may be a victim of this or you may do it to others. Do you believe that the more expensive a gift you receive, the more love that represents? Do some of your loved ones foist this belief on you? Ask yourself if it's true. Ask yourself if this is how you want to measure your love or someone else's love.
4. The "Buying the House" Trap: If you've ever bought a home or other extremely large purchase, you've probably experienced this. With tens of thousands of dollars going back and forth in negotiations, suddenly an amount of one or two grand doesn't seem that important. What's another thousand? This can happen when you're purchasing big-ticket holiday items as well. As you toss a few more items into your shopping cart, real or virtual, you're thinking, if you've already spent $3000 on large holiday gifts, what's another $800? It can sometimes help to think about what else you can do with that money. Can it buy you several weeks worth of groceries? Pay your phone and heating bills and then some? Go towards a plane ticket and vacation? Do you really want or need the stuff you've just added? Do your gift recipients want or need it?
5. The "Stocking Stuffer" Trap: This is the opposite of the trap above. "It's just a little stocking stuffer. Itcosts $1 or $2 or $5 or maybe $10. It's not a big deal. Hey, maybe I'll get one for everyone at the office - they're so cute!" Next thing you know you've spent $200 on "stocking stuffers". One way to help with this trap is to think about that stocking stuffer six months from now. Where will it live? Will its owner care about it, want it, use it, have a place for it? Or will it have already gone to Good Will or the trash or the junk drawer?
6. The "Keeping Everything Even" Trap: See "Money Equals Love" above. All the kids need to get the same number of presents. Or they have to add up to the same value. Next thing you know you're rushing around on Christmas Eve looking for some little trinket to even everything out. Plus buying the extra wrapping paper and bows to make it all look fantastic. Ask yourself if it's worth buying another $100 worth of random stuff to "keep everything even." This is true at the office, too. Everyone doesn't need an identical fruit basket or mug. Unless you're the boss. Then yes, give everyone something really nice!
7. The "Holiday Food Vortex" Trap: This is my downfall. I love holiday food. Peppermint bark. Assorted nuts. Fancy cheese. Yummy sides. And I want all of it. So I usually overbuy (or overbake - see #2 above) holiday food. Sure, we eventually eat it, but how much cheese, chocolate and wine does one household need? (Don't answer that.) So what I've started doing is thinking very specifically about what holiday events and meals I'll be preparing, and what specifically I'll need for entertaining, instead of filling my shopping cart with a metric ton of holiday food "just in case".
8. The "Holiday Decorations 50% off" Trap: A corollary to #1. If you didn't want that decoration when it was full-priced, consider if you really want it now that it's half-off. Especially if you already have an attic or garage full of holiday decorations that you don't use or love. Ask yourself if that little porcelain Santa or other tchotchke really needs a home with you. Make sure you love it before you choose it.
Yes. No matter what it seems like, the holidays are not about money. Hug, sing, feast a little, curl up with your loved ones by a fire, go for hikes in the woods, smile, breathe, and be present.