What do you really want?
My mentor, Martha Beck, wanted to stab herself in the head with a fork because of me. She even wrote a blog post about it. Sure, the post wasn’t just about me, but she’d said almost the exact same words when she was coaching me with the horse in the round pen during the Master Coach retreat, just weeks before.
When I was standing there with the horse, she’d asked me, “What do you want?” And I hemmed and hawed a little. I said, “Yes, that’s what I need to figure out.” and she jumped all over my case, telling me not to answer with a vague statement, but to figure it out right now. What do I want right now?
It’s always nice to get chastised by your mentor. But she was making a solid point.
Martha’s point was that if I’m clear with my desires, and I ask and take inspired action toward them, they are bound to happen. But if I’m wishy-washy and unclear, then nothing happens. Or wishy-washy unclear things happen.
This seems so simple, doesn’t it? Don’t we all do what we want to do? Isn’t that how we chart the course of our lives?
Not necessarily. Many of us don’t know that truly living our deepest desires is possible. We believe that we have to just kind of plug along through life – work, home, family, and maybe take a nice vacation here and there. We have duties, responsibilities. I mean really – what if everyone did what they wanted – wouldn’t the whole place descend into some sort of Lord of the Flies chaos? That’s the response I get from people.
So there's the fear of chaos, that our deepest inner desire is to just run around naked in the woods with no responsibilities. And then there's simply confusion. How do we separate our deepest wants from what's projected onto us by society or culture?
I am still figuring out how to separate what my deepest inner self wants from what my ego wants. My ego is distracted by praise, accolades-- some kind of external measure of achievement. Years of schooling and a lifetime spent in Western culture have trained me to believe that I need to work hard, achieve, do well, accomplish something, leave a legacy – all that good stuff.
When I listen closely though, my deepest inner self is not so swayed. My deepest inner self wants permission to move more slowly through life. To drink in the experience. To watch the seasons change. To marvel at flowers, butterflies, birds, blades of grass. (Ok, ok, it's true! To run around free in the woods. Maybe these Lord of the Flies people have a point...)
At the time in that round pen with Martha and Koelle and the other coaches watching, I just wanted to stand there with that horse. To gaze into his beautiful brown eyes. To nuzzle his velvety nose. I didn’t need him to run around. I didn’t even need him to follow me, although it was wonderful that he did. It was my first time in a round pen with a horse. I hadn’t gotten to the part of wanting anything more than to be there in that moment.
The other thing I wanted was to rest. Oh goodness, I wanted to rest. I’d been getting so many messages to rest. From my deceased cat, Buster. From the horse. From everyone who’d been watching me for the past 8 months. Here's what I'm finding while I continue to resist rest and watch my clients do it too: From an unrested place we can't even tell what we want. We refuse to listen to our bodies. We push some more. Or distract ourselves some more with whatever keeps us from feeling and noticing - food, shopping, Netflix, Facebook, Pinterest, activities for the kids, books, work...
So I’m curious. What do you really want? Do you really want to add in that thing, whatever it is, to all the other stuff you’re doing? What if you took some things off your plate first? What if you began with rest? My hunch is that you might be tired. (It’s a good hunch because apparently 30 percent of Americans are chronically sleep deprived.)
January's goal was to rest more. I'm revising that. It's now 2014's goal. While I'm resting, then I can listen. Listen closely to what else I really, really, really, most deeply want. Interested in joining me? Stay tuned for some intentional resting and listening opportunities. And I'm curious - are you craving rest too? And feeling guilty or unaccomplished enough because of it? Leave a comment and let's continue the discussion!
Permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life
There's a reason why Pippin is my favorite musical. Pippin is seeking an extraordinary life. He sings about it and he searches for it throughout the entire show. He tries everything. War, sex, revolution. Being king. Nothing is right. In despair, he's taken in by a widow with a young son and he lives an ordinary and happy life on her estate for a year, until he leaves again, convinced that there must be something bigger and better out there - some way for him to do extraordinary things. With one last chance (spoiler alert) to go out literally in a blaze of glory, he balks. He ends up on stage alone without sets, makeup, costumes or music. The widow and the little boy come to hold his hands. And he sings, "I wanted magic shows and miracles, mirages to touch; I wanted such a little thing from life, I wanted so much." The last lines of the song are, "It never was there - I think it was here." It's ridiculous how it hits me. It chokes me up every time. It's a cheesy simple story, but I get it. I get Pippin's quest for a meaningful life, and I get his discovery of the meaning in simple things like love, family and just existing.
There's so much beauty and happiness in the ordinary. Today, a fire in the fireplace. Hot chocolate. King cake to celebrate the beginning of carnival season. Puffy clouds. Yellow sycamore leaves. Sunshine. Smiles. Simply being alive.
We're bombarded every day by stories of extraordinary people. People who have raised zillions of dollars for clean water. People who turned ten bucks and an idea into a multimillion dollar business. People who are changing the world in giant ways. It's downright overwhelming.
There are so many choices today. So many options. So much possibility. Even if you have an ordinary life, maybe you become famous because of your cute recipes. Or your Instagram feed. Or your memoir about your dog. Or your Youtube video. If you're not famous, you should still be doing something that's interesting to someone and sharing it somewhere - Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest - oh my goodness, Pinterest! Land of ten thousand ideas for a cupcake!
I ran into a former student at the grocery store the other day. She's amazing, intelligent, and has a great job as a writer for a local publication. And she shared with me how she feels like she needs to be doing more. How she feels this pressure to have made something bigger of her life by the tender age of 24.
Wow. What is happening? When did it become not enough to be a generally good person, make an honest living, take care of one's family, smile at the neighbors, and vote responsibly? Now that we have the capacity to reach nearly everyone on the planet with a tweet or a blog post, and the ability to read about nearly everyone in our assorted blogs and news websites and Facebook feeds, I see a lot of people (clients, myself, friends) running into "compare and despair." Now it's not just the Joneses next door you're trying to keep up with, it's all of humanity!
It becomes more difficult to figure out what you want. There's research to back up how people don't choose when given too many choices. They can't decide where to begin. The brain just shuts down.
Next thing you know, two hours have gone by while you've been scrolling through fascinating articles about amazing people, peppered with funny cat and dog videos. So what do you do?
Give yourself permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life. Focus on your interactions with people in the now moment. At the grocery store. With your family. With your friends. Savor the king cake. Notice the softness of the cat. The dance of the leaves falling from the trees across the street.
Sure, you can still have visions of extraordinary-ness. I have my delusions of Oprah (I'm going to be taping for TV again this Friday! - no, not Oprah!!) I would love to figure out how to do something really big to change the world for the better.
But you know, I like being home. I like talking to one or two people at a time. I like napping. These things make me happy. And they don't destroy the environment. And the Dalai Lama says that if each of us simply strives to be happy, it's one of the best ways to change the whole world.
I'm teaching tonight about money. And here's a hint about what I'm going to say. All those infinite choices? They screw with our money situation too. They cause us to lose focus on what we really want. It's like when you go to a buffet and you end up with a plate full of weird food that doesn't go together. You're surrounded by food and yet you feel yucky and empty.
Get still. Listen. Listen to you. Give yourself permission to lead the life you want. Simple as you want. There's plenty of extraordinary in the ordinary.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let's keep the conversation going!
Eight last-minute holiday money traps and how to avoid them!
Being overloaded with holiday debt is not part of my plan for living a wild and precious life, and I bet it's not yours either. So I've compiled some quick tips to help you in these final days of holiday rushing around to stay centered. Watch out for these holiday money traps, and remember that the holidays are actually about love and togetherness, which is happily free!
1. The Holiday Sale Trap: Everything's on sale! 20-50% off! There must be something you need for yourself or as a gift! If you're not there, you're missing out! Notice and question where messages from outside are impacting how you think you should be spending your time and money. I also call this "cashmere sweater syndrome". What is it about cashmere and the holidays? Sure, if you need some cashmere, this is certainly the time to get it, but I'll tell you, thrift stores are great places to find cashmere sweaters too. Most of us are drowning in sweaters, so check in if you really need any more.
2. The "Ghost of Holidays Past" Trap: Are you celebrating traditions that don't fit your current lifestyle anymore? Do some of these traditions cost money? For example, are your kids grown but you're still buying silly trinkets for their stockings, thinking that if you stop they'll be disappointed? It might be worth having a conversation. Maybe your kids haven't said anything because they don't want to upset you. My ghost is holiday cookies. I used to bake a dozen different kinds of cookies every year. For a long time, I enjoyed it. And I still enjoy baking. But this year I decided to bake when I feel like it, try some new recipes maybe, and not worry about the giant pile of cookies. And all has been fine! Traditions are wonderful, but if you have some "ghostlike" traditions that aren't serving you anymore, just hanging around rattling their chains, consider chucking them. Everyone might be relieved!
3. The "Money Equals Love" Trap: You may be a victim of this or you may do it to others. Do you believe that the more expensive a gift you receive, the more love that represents? Do some of your loved ones foist this belief on you? Ask yourself if it's true. Ask yourself if this is how you want to measure your love or someone else's love.
4. The "Buying the House" Trap: If you've ever bought a home or other extremely large purchase, you've probably experienced this. With tens of thousands of dollars going back and forth in negotiations, suddenly an amount of one or two grand doesn't seem that important. What's another thousand? This can happen when you're purchasing big-ticket holiday items as well. As you toss a few more items into your shopping cart, real or virtual, you're thinking, if you've already spent $3000 on large holiday gifts, what's another $800? It can sometimes help to think about what else you can do with that money. Can it buy you several weeks worth of groceries? Pay your phone and heating bills and then some? Go towards a plane ticket and vacation? Do you really want or need the stuff you've just added? Do your gift recipients want or need it?
5. The "Stocking Stuffer" Trap: This is the opposite of the trap above. "It's just a little stocking stuffer. Itcosts $1 or $2 or $5 or maybe $10. It's not a big deal. Hey, maybe I'll get one for everyone at the office - they're so cute!" Next thing you know you've spent $200 on "stocking stuffers". One way to help with this trap is to think about that stocking stuffer six months from now. Where will it live? Will its owner care about it, want it, use it, have a place for it? Or will it have already gone to Good Will or the trash or the junk drawer?
6. The "Keeping Everything Even" Trap: See "Money Equals Love" above. All the kids need to get the same number of presents. Or they have to add up to the same value. Next thing you know you're rushing around on Christmas Eve looking for some little trinket to even everything out. Plus buying the extra wrapping paper and bows to make it all look fantastic. Ask yourself if it's worth buying another $100 worth of random stuff to "keep everything even." This is true at the office, too. Everyone doesn't need an identical fruit basket or mug. Unless you're the boss. Then yes, give everyone something really nice!
7. The "Holiday Food Vortex" Trap: This is my downfall. I love holiday food. Peppermint bark. Assorted nuts. Fancy cheese. Yummy sides. And I want all of it. So I usually overbuy (or overbake - see #2 above) holiday food. Sure, we eventually eat it, but how much cheese, chocolate and wine does one household need? (Don't answer that.) So what I've started doing is thinking very specifically about what holiday events and meals I'll be preparing, and what specifically I'll need for entertaining, instead of filling my shopping cart with a metric ton of holiday food "just in case".
8. The "Holiday Decorations 50% off" Trap: A corollary to #1. If you didn't want that decoration when it was full-priced, consider if you really want it now that it's half-off. Especially if you already have an attic or garage full of holiday decorations that you don't use or love. Ask yourself if that little porcelain Santa or other tchotchke really needs a home with you. Make sure you love it before you choose it.
Yes. No matter what it seems like, the holidays are not about money. Hug, sing, feast a little, curl up with your loved ones by a fire, go for hikes in the woods, smile, breathe, and be present.
Get Permission For What You Want
My mentor, Martha Beck, says it all the time. The coaches I hang out with online talk about it constantly. Create a life of rest and play. Rest and play. Rest and play. It sounds so wonderful. But how do you actually do it? How do you give yourself permission to really live life that way?
The holidays are a perfect time to try shifting your life to one of more rest and more play. The best way to do this is to listen to your body. Chances are, your body is craving rest and you're ignoring it because there's so much to do, do, do! Try listening. Try using my sweet cat (or your own pet, as long as it's not a gerbil - they're pretty hyper) as a role model. Lay down. Let out a nice deep sigh. Really rest. Then rest some more. Rest until you honestly don't want to rest anymore.
If you have small kids, a demanding job, or other stuff that keeps you from resting, just do your best. Even if all you have time for is the deep sigh, let your body feel that "resting in place" feeling, while you breathe a couple of really sweet breaths. And then look for how you can gift some rest to you and everyone around you. Skip the party. Chuck the cookie making. Dump a couple of your holiday expectations in favor of something slow and easy.
I'm still learning about rest, but when I do it makes such a difference. I haven't been sick with a cold or other illness in a LOOOONG time and I think it's partly because I let my body rest.Especially if you've been sick at all, give yourself permission to rest. (I can tell already - I'll be focusing on rest in 2014 - it's what we all need!)
Once you're rested enough? Think about play! What feels fun? No, really. What feels fun?Mary Poppins was right. Work feels more fun when you add in some play. (That's the other thing I'll be focusing on in 2014, beginning with playful ways to manage your $$!) I have a pretty play-filled life as it is. but I'm always looking for ways to enjoy life more, worry less, and help you do the same.
What felt fun and playful to me this week was making sock dolls with my fifth grade mentee, coaching some amazing clients, hosting a "virtual campfire" with the wonderful women of Wild and White Blazing, taking silly selfies in the green room before going on TV to talk about "holiday p*rn" (on The 504, Wednesday at 9 p.m.!), enjoying cocktails at the famous Sazerac bar with 15 wonderful wild and precious ladies, and best of all? Getting free tickets to the holiday home tour to peek in on some serious holiday opulence with my sweetheart. Oh, and then there were the Acrocats... see below for more on them! Wow - sometimes I forget how much fun I have!
Go back over your week. Was there enough fun? Does it help to remind yourself of the good stuff? Is there enough in your life that feels like play? What can you switch up to create a more play-filled week? Having trouble giving yourself permission for fun and play? Reply to this email with your questions and I'll answer them in an upcoming post! (And if that activity list above made you tired just reading it? Go back to resting! Give yourself permission to rest!)
Visualizing your best holiday yet, even when the tree falls down...
The Christmas tree fell over just before guests were to arrive. And I had no time. I was like Bridgette Jones. With much to do and negative time remaining. I watched the tree fall over. I was across the room. The sound of shattering glass was heartbreaking. I called my husband in tears. Could he come home to help? Of course he could.
The irony wasn't escaping me. I was less than an hour away from hosting a Holiday Vision Board Party. I wanted my house to be an oasis of holiday cheer. The eight foot tree was the centerpiece. And it was on the floor, surrounded by needles and broken ornaments. I thought, "There's some life-coachy lesson here. What is it? Don't strive for perfection? Go on no matter what? It's not that bad?" My mind was not on board. I was a bit freaked out.
My husband came home. After some cursing and a second toppling of the tree, followed by more cursing, we got it back up and secured. Miraculously, many of the glass ornaments and most of the most irreplaceable heirloom ornaments had survived both falls. And when we plugged it in, it lit up! Truly a Christmas miracle!
But there was no time. I vacuumed quickly. I gathered the dozens of fallen and unbroken ornaments into a pile. I tried not to worry that the kitchen looked like a combat zone.
The guests arrived. I fixed drinks. I changed the beginning of the party to a "re-decorate the tree" activity. Everyone loved it!
And then, mostly to calm myself--my adrenaline was still going a mile a minute-- I led all of us in a holiday visualization. We took deep breaths. (I tried.) We climbed back into our bodies. (Everyone else was probably in their bodies already, but I had been gone for hours, lol!) We remembered a favorite holiday memory. We used all of our senses to dive back into the memory. Several of us got teary with the emotion. It was wonderful.
Try it now. Remember the sounds, sights, smells, tastes, textures - really revel in your happy memory. Now, recall the emotion you have around this memory. We recalled feelings like excitement, joy, comfort, safety, belonging, and love. It was beautiful.
Then we got down to the fun part - creating a holiday vision board! Each one was unique. One vision board simply had one image of a guy and a dog on the back of a pickup truck, because this person really wanted simplicity and the feeling of being on an adventure on the open road. Others focused on family and togetherness, or on relaxing and coziness. We had great fun. I had time to put out the food. We ate, drank, enjoyed the holiday music, the company, and the miraculously still-beautiful tree.
Would you like to envision your own best holiday yet? Grab some magazines, a glue stick, a piece of posterboard or paper, and scissors. Then print out this one page Holiday Vision Board guide. And if you email me what you create (carla@livingwildandprecious.com), I'll share it in an upcoming post! Or share your happy memory and feelings in the comments.
And if you need more help with making the holidays truly your own and making them match your life right now rather than five, ten, twenty or thirty years ago, click here for more tips, including how to avoid "holiday porn"!
My wish for you is a beautiful, just right for you holiday season!