Stepping Beyond Your Fear
I stood alone at the base of the granite rock face. I’d hiked over 1,000 miles, but nothing I’d encountered was as challenging as the trail in Maine. I was more than a little afraid. If I was going to climb over this rock, then I would have to do it on my own.
I had come this far and I wasn’t going back. I took a breath, cinched my pack straps and folded my poles. Now, I could use my hands. I climbed forward, one foot at a time. I grabbed for roots when I could and I trusted my shoe wouldn’t slip on the tiny ledge of rock. Little by little I climbed, up and down, over and over. Twenty days later, I made it. I stood atop Mt. Katahdin, the highest point in Maine.
I had no choice but to pull myself out of my fear. Each time I find myself stuck in a scary place, I go back to that moment to rediscover how I can learn and grow.
Start with one small step. Let yourself make the smallest step you can. Confidence grows by taking action. Small steps over time add up. Once you’re moving you can make adjustments to your path.
Review your successes. Find the part of your problem that looks like something you’ve tackled before. When I gazed up that steep rock in Maine, I realized I had already learned everything I needed to know. I had climbed every mountain on the AT since I began the trail. Recognize how your accomplishments have given you the skills you need for your new challenge.
Widen your perspective. Back up and see the big picture. Whenever I reached a viewpoint on the trail, I stopped to see how far I’d come. Three summits away, I could see where I had breakfast. Step back from your project for a broader view. Even better, go for a walk to clear your head.
Envision the completion. Take a few minutes each day to envision everything working out perfectly. Be detailed and specific. Add in sights, sounds, smells, color and emotion. Relish the feeling of success. I pictured standing at that Katahdin sign many times when I was still huddled in my tent miles and miles away. Allow yourself to savor the moment. Then get back to your journey.
Gather your allies. Ask for help from those who know you best. They’ll remind you why you’re meant to achieve the goals you’ve set. The support I received via letters, calls and Facebook messages from friends and family during my 2,000 mile journey was invaluable. Your friends and allies will give you energy and renew your hope. They see your capabilities and believe in you.
When you’re facing a challenge, know your fear will not disappear. Once you realize this truth, you will be free to move forward and accomplish your goals. Georgia O’Keefe said it best:
“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.”
A different kind of Valentine's Day checklist
I think what set me off were the clamshell containers of fresh rose petals at Whole Foods. Displayed next to shelves packed with champagne and raspberries, whipped cream and brie cheese. Not far from racks and racks of cards with red envelopes and foiled, gem-encrusted hearts. And displays of chocolate specifically for melting propped alongside baskets of giant strawberries. I could feel myself getting panicky. My over-active brain was frantically checking the boxes – that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic, that’s romantic!!
My body was not really involved while my brain enthusiastically encouraged me, “Get all the things!”
Had I been at Wal-Mart instead, I would have encountered aisles crammed floor to ceiling with stuffed bears, cheap candy and Mylar balloons, and a similar desperate voice in my head noting that all of this was sweet and romantic, and such a bargain!
Instead, I stopped and pondered: What is it about Valentine’s Day?
So many messages encouraging you to prove your love with something you purchase. Lots and lots of pressure to do something really romantic and super special.
I remember the time I was handed a “Valentine’s Day Checklist” at my local grocery store. As if it wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day unless I purchased cookies, cupcakes, flowers, bubbly, balloons, cards, stuffed animals and more.
Look, I’m not opposed to delicious cheese, scrumptious chocolate and fragrant flowers. And there are berries and champagne in our fridge right now.
But all the “stuff” can get in the way of what we’re really seeking to feel when we find ourselves filling our carts with red, white and pink.
So here’s a simpler, kinder, Valentine’s Day checklist. Try it whether you have a sweetheart or not. And enjoy the day your way!
1. Slow down to savor. Whether it’s a special meal, one piece of chocolate, a walk in snowy woods alone, or cuddling under the covers together, go slow. Use every sense to drench yourself in the present moment. Breathe and wake up. How lucky to be alive!
2. Keep it simple. Pick one or two things you most want. Enjoy those deeply and fully. Relax about the rest – you don’t need all of it.
3. Seek what you prefer. This day belongs to you, not Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or a million ads and displays. What do you really want? Time alone? Curling up with a book? Pancakes? A bath? A quiet dinner? Pink cocktails? It doesn’t need to appeal to anyone but you.
4. Focus on love. Love is not about stuff. It’s not about bling, money, jewelry, bears, candles, roses or anything else the stores with big displays and ads want you to believe. It’s about being deeply and truly present. It’s about connection. Whether you have a sweetheart or are on your own, you can choose connection on Valentine’s Day. Open your heart. Let love flow forth like a beam of golden light. Connect with other humans, with the sky and clouds, with trees and animals, with stars and the moon. Love is abundantly available to you in a million ways, to be given and received. And no red envelopes or velvet boxes are required.
I have a sweetheart. I have no idea what we are doing tomorrow. We will decide as we go. We will genuinely see how each of us feels. We might pack a cooler of treats and walk up to the parades, we might stay home all day and cocoon-- we might do some of both. We might light candles, drink champagne and eat raspberries. We might make a fire or fix French toast. We might work on projects around the house.
Here’s what I know for sure: We are in love. It requires no proof. The greatest gift I can offer is to be awake, present, and undistracted. To see him. And love him.
And if I suddenly need some rose petals, I know where to find them!
What to do when every day feels like Groundhog Day
You know the movie, of course. Bill Murray wakes up to the same day every day for a very very long time.
Ever feel that way in real life? Like if you have to wash that pot, clean that sink, choose an outfit, go to the store again(!) or even bathe, that you'll lose it? Ever feel tired of the routines of daily life?
Ever clear out your in box only to find it full twenty minutes later and wonder what the heck the point is? Like when you reply to all the people you've been putting off replying to, and then they REPLY BACK and you're right back to where you started?
Ever wonder how to get to the main thing, the big ideas, the real meat of life, when so much of your time is spent simply going through the actions of general subsistence, like eating, sleeping and keeping yourself generally presentable?
Ever feel like you've done enough for one day by 8:30 a.m. and now it should be nap time?
I get it. I crave a day of catch up for every day of life.
But that's not how it works. So when you're feeling groundhogged out, try one or two of these easy strategies to reboot and refresh. (You know them - this is just a reminder, because I need a reminder too!)
Embrace the mundane. Stop to really smell the dish soap, hear the water running. Feel the warm suds. See the squeaky clean plate. Use your senses to bring you to the present moment. Close your eyes and listen. To voices of kids, coworkers, sweethearts. To breezes. Feel textures, temperatures. See the colors around you. Locate the light. Breathe. Try it right now for just thirty seconds.
Slow down even when you're sure you're behind. Catching up isn't really attainable, because there's always going to be more. So slowing down and enjoying might work just as well. Trees don't say, "Oh good, I'm caught up photosynthesising, finally! Now I can relax."
Pretend you're an angel for a day and that your only job is to radiate gratitude, love and kindness. Whether or not you get to your in box. Or tackle that pile of projects, laundry, whatever. Remember how Bill Murray gets kinder, happier, and more pleasant by the end of the movie? And you realize he could have chosen that option from the start? Choose it.
Abandon your productivity goals and go outside. Take a five minute walk. Ask the sky, birds, trees or flowers for some advice. Chances are it's going to be good, and that it involves something about paying attention, gratitude, grace, happiness or love.
Notice that you are FINE right now. You're breathing. Your senses work. You are not in danger, most likely. (Unless there's a land shark ringing your doorbell...) Breathe into your okayness. Notice if you're actually better than okay. And even if you're sick, or close to death, or really really sad, or just fighting the common cold like I am today, remember that fundamentally, in this exact moment, you are still ok.
Do something different. If your routines are boring you, shake them up. Wear something you don't usually wear. Go somewhere you don't usually go. Talk to someone you wouldn't normally talk to. Ask for something you don't usually ask for. Choose a radio station you wouldn't usually listen to. Comment on something you wouldn't usually comment on.
Clear your space. If you're overwhelmed by clutter, just sweep off a big area - a shelf, your desk, your nightstand -- and make a space. Ahh. Now you can see and think. And decide one by one if whatever you cleared gets permission to return to the space or whether it's time to let it go.
Do it now. Do something. Take some action, even if it's not perfect. Sometimes the best way out of a Groundhog Day-type rut is just to do something. Set the timer for 15 minutes and get started. Notice how great you feel and see if the momentum helps you continue.
Try again later. Yes - it's the opposite of do it now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is step away, abandon it all for an hour or two-- or a day or two-- and then come back with clear eyes. Pick something pleasant to occupy your time in the meantime. A nap, a walk, a piece of fruit, time with a pet, time to gaze out the window and watch the weather.
It's just life, people. It's ok to drop the desperation for accomplishment and just savor the moment. You know it, so let yourself feel it and really do it. If you're Bill Murray, you might even get the girl!
Rethinking "your one wild and precious life"
You know the quote, right? "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" It's from a poem by Mary Oliver called "The Summer Day". And it's everywhere, including a version in the name of this blog. Here's what's interesting:this line, taken out of context, sounds like a prompt to get rolling. Get going. Do something for goodness sake! Be more productive! Be more! Do more! Succeed! Achieve! Go places! You only have one life after all! YOLO and all that!
However, the poem has a very different tone. The question comes at the end of the poem after Mary explains that she's been sitting watching a grasshopper and strolling through the grass all day, "idle and blessed". The poem seems to challenge the reader to tell her what would have been a better use of her time. Take a moment to read the poem here. Or listen to Mary herself read it here.
Do you feel too busy? Do you feel like your whole calendar is mapped out, weeks or months in advance? As the warm weather of summer arrives, do you wish for time to savor it?
You have a choice. You have a choice to stop to notice the clouds or splash in a puddle, watch a lizard or greet the songbirds. You have a choice to go walking in fields or woods or suburban streets. You have so much more time than you think you have.
So with that in mind and summer at your doorstep, do you have a different answer to Mary's question? What do you want to savor during this wild and precious summer? Email me or share in the comments!
Need some help savoring? Check out Pie in the Sky, my quick and fantastic summer class that will teach you how to savor summer and get some stuff done, too! It's all recorded and ready to go for you, with lots of goodies! Spend just one hour and gain tons of savoring ideas. Details here.
What do you really want?
My mentor, Martha Beck, wanted to stab herself in the head with a fork because of me. She even wrote a blog post about it. Sure, the post wasn’t just about me, but she’d said almost the exact same words when she was coaching me with the horse in the round pen during the Master Coach retreat, just weeks before.
When I was standing there with the horse, she’d asked me, “What do you want?” And I hemmed and hawed a little. I said, “Yes, that’s what I need to figure out.” and she jumped all over my case, telling me not to answer with a vague statement, but to figure it out right now. What do I want right now?
It’s always nice to get chastised by your mentor. But she was making a solid point.
Martha’s point was that if I’m clear with my desires, and I ask and take inspired action toward them, they are bound to happen. But if I’m wishy-washy and unclear, then nothing happens. Or wishy-washy unclear things happen.
This seems so simple, doesn’t it? Don’t we all do what we want to do? Isn’t that how we chart the course of our lives?
Not necessarily. Many of us don’t know that truly living our deepest desires is possible. We believe that we have to just kind of plug along through life – work, home, family, and maybe take a nice vacation here and there. We have duties, responsibilities. I mean really – what if everyone did what they wanted – wouldn’t the whole place descend into some sort of Lord of the Flies chaos? That’s the response I get from people.
So there's the fear of chaos, that our deepest inner desire is to just run around naked in the woods with no responsibilities. And then there's simply confusion. How do we separate our deepest wants from what's projected onto us by society or culture?
I am still figuring out how to separate what my deepest inner self wants from what my ego wants. My ego is distracted by praise, accolades-- some kind of external measure of achievement. Years of schooling and a lifetime spent in Western culture have trained me to believe that I need to work hard, achieve, do well, accomplish something, leave a legacy – all that good stuff.
When I listen closely though, my deepest inner self is not so swayed. My deepest inner self wants permission to move more slowly through life. To drink in the experience. To watch the seasons change. To marvel at flowers, butterflies, birds, blades of grass. (Ok, ok, it's true! To run around free in the woods. Maybe these Lord of the Flies people have a point...)
At the time in that round pen with Martha and Koelle and the other coaches watching, I just wanted to stand there with that horse. To gaze into his beautiful brown eyes. To nuzzle his velvety nose. I didn’t need him to run around. I didn’t even need him to follow me, although it was wonderful that he did. It was my first time in a round pen with a horse. I hadn’t gotten to the part of wanting anything more than to be there in that moment.
The other thing I wanted was to rest. Oh goodness, I wanted to rest. I’d been getting so many messages to rest. From my deceased cat, Buster. From the horse. From everyone who’d been watching me for the past 8 months. Here's what I'm finding while I continue to resist rest and watch my clients do it too: From an unrested place we can't even tell what we want. We refuse to listen to our bodies. We push some more. Or distract ourselves some more with whatever keeps us from feeling and noticing - food, shopping, Netflix, Facebook, Pinterest, activities for the kids, books, work...
So I’m curious. What do you really want? Do you really want to add in that thing, whatever it is, to all the other stuff you’re doing? What if you took some things off your plate first? What if you began with rest? My hunch is that you might be tired. (It’s a good hunch because apparently 30 percent of Americans are chronically sleep deprived.)
January's goal was to rest more. I'm revising that. It's now 2014's goal. While I'm resting, then I can listen. Listen closely to what else I really, really, really, most deeply want. Interested in joining me? Stay tuned for some intentional resting and listening opportunities. And I'm curious - are you craving rest too? And feeling guilty or unaccomplished enough because of it? Leave a comment and let's continue the discussion!