Rethinking "your one wild and precious life"
You know the quote, right? "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" It's from a poem by Mary Oliver called "The Summer Day". And it's everywhere, including a version in the name of this blog. Here's what's interesting:this line, taken out of context, sounds like a prompt to get rolling. Get going. Do something for goodness sake! Be more productive! Be more! Do more! Succeed! Achieve! Go places! You only have one life after all! YOLO and all that!
However, the poem has a very different tone. The question comes at the end of the poem after Mary explains that she's been sitting watching a grasshopper and strolling through the grass all day, "idle and blessed". The poem seems to challenge the reader to tell her what would have been a better use of her time. Take a moment to read the poem here. Or listen to Mary herself read it here.
Do you feel too busy? Do you feel like your whole calendar is mapped out, weeks or months in advance? As the warm weather of summer arrives, do you wish for time to savor it?
You have a choice. You have a choice to stop to notice the clouds or splash in a puddle, watch a lizard or greet the songbirds. You have a choice to go walking in fields or woods or suburban streets. You have so much more time than you think you have.
So with that in mind and summer at your doorstep, do you have a different answer to Mary's question? What do you want to savor during this wild and precious summer? Email me or share in the comments!
Need some help savoring? Check out Pie in the Sky, my quick and fantastic summer class that will teach you how to savor summer and get some stuff done, too! It's all recorded and ready to go for you, with lots of goodies! Spend just one hour and gain tons of savoring ideas. Details here.
What do you really want?
My mentor, Martha Beck, wanted to stab herself in the head with a fork because of me. She even wrote a blog post about it. Sure, the post wasn’t just about me, but she’d said almost the exact same words when she was coaching me with the horse in the round pen during the Master Coach retreat, just weeks before.
When I was standing there with the horse, she’d asked me, “What do you want?” And I hemmed and hawed a little. I said, “Yes, that’s what I need to figure out.” and she jumped all over my case, telling me not to answer with a vague statement, but to figure it out right now. What do I want right now?
It’s always nice to get chastised by your mentor. But she was making a solid point.
Martha’s point was that if I’m clear with my desires, and I ask and take inspired action toward them, they are bound to happen. But if I’m wishy-washy and unclear, then nothing happens. Or wishy-washy unclear things happen.
This seems so simple, doesn’t it? Don’t we all do what we want to do? Isn’t that how we chart the course of our lives?
Not necessarily. Many of us don’t know that truly living our deepest desires is possible. We believe that we have to just kind of plug along through life – work, home, family, and maybe take a nice vacation here and there. We have duties, responsibilities. I mean really – what if everyone did what they wanted – wouldn’t the whole place descend into some sort of Lord of the Flies chaos? That’s the response I get from people.
So there's the fear of chaos, that our deepest inner desire is to just run around naked in the woods with no responsibilities. And then there's simply confusion. How do we separate our deepest wants from what's projected onto us by society or culture?
I am still figuring out how to separate what my deepest inner self wants from what my ego wants. My ego is distracted by praise, accolades-- some kind of external measure of achievement. Years of schooling and a lifetime spent in Western culture have trained me to believe that I need to work hard, achieve, do well, accomplish something, leave a legacy – all that good stuff.
When I listen closely though, my deepest inner self is not so swayed. My deepest inner self wants permission to move more slowly through life. To drink in the experience. To watch the seasons change. To marvel at flowers, butterflies, birds, blades of grass. (Ok, ok, it's true! To run around free in the woods. Maybe these Lord of the Flies people have a point...)
At the time in that round pen with Martha and Koelle and the other coaches watching, I just wanted to stand there with that horse. To gaze into his beautiful brown eyes. To nuzzle his velvety nose. I didn’t need him to run around. I didn’t even need him to follow me, although it was wonderful that he did. It was my first time in a round pen with a horse. I hadn’t gotten to the part of wanting anything more than to be there in that moment.
The other thing I wanted was to rest. Oh goodness, I wanted to rest. I’d been getting so many messages to rest. From my deceased cat, Buster. From the horse. From everyone who’d been watching me for the past 8 months. Here's what I'm finding while I continue to resist rest and watch my clients do it too: From an unrested place we can't even tell what we want. We refuse to listen to our bodies. We push some more. Or distract ourselves some more with whatever keeps us from feeling and noticing - food, shopping, Netflix, Facebook, Pinterest, activities for the kids, books, work...
So I’m curious. What do you really want? Do you really want to add in that thing, whatever it is, to all the other stuff you’re doing? What if you took some things off your plate first? What if you began with rest? My hunch is that you might be tired. (It’s a good hunch because apparently 30 percent of Americans are chronically sleep deprived.)
January's goal was to rest more. I'm revising that. It's now 2014's goal. While I'm resting, then I can listen. Listen closely to what else I really, really, really, most deeply want. Interested in joining me? Stay tuned for some intentional resting and listening opportunities. And I'm curious - are you craving rest too? And feeling guilty or unaccomplished enough because of it? Leave a comment and let's continue the discussion!
Permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life
There's a reason why Pippin is my favorite musical. Pippin is seeking an extraordinary life. He sings about it and he searches for it throughout the entire show. He tries everything. War, sex, revolution. Being king. Nothing is right. In despair, he's taken in by a widow with a young son and he lives an ordinary and happy life on her estate for a year, until he leaves again, convinced that there must be something bigger and better out there - some way for him to do extraordinary things. With one last chance (spoiler alert) to go out literally in a blaze of glory, he balks. He ends up on stage alone without sets, makeup, costumes or music. The widow and the little boy come to hold his hands. And he sings, "I wanted magic shows and miracles, mirages to touch; I wanted such a little thing from life, I wanted so much." The last lines of the song are, "It never was there - I think it was here." It's ridiculous how it hits me. It chokes me up every time. It's a cheesy simple story, but I get it. I get Pippin's quest for a meaningful life, and I get his discovery of the meaning in simple things like love, family and just existing.
There's so much beauty and happiness in the ordinary. Today, a fire in the fireplace. Hot chocolate. King cake to celebrate the beginning of carnival season. Puffy clouds. Yellow sycamore leaves. Sunshine. Smiles. Simply being alive.
We're bombarded every day by stories of extraordinary people. People who have raised zillions of dollars for clean water. People who turned ten bucks and an idea into a multimillion dollar business. People who are changing the world in giant ways. It's downright overwhelming.
There are so many choices today. So many options. So much possibility. Even if you have an ordinary life, maybe you become famous because of your cute recipes. Or your Instagram feed. Or your memoir about your dog. Or your Youtube video. If you're not famous, you should still be doing something that's interesting to someone and sharing it somewhere - Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest - oh my goodness, Pinterest! Land of ten thousand ideas for a cupcake!
I ran into a former student at the grocery store the other day. She's amazing, intelligent, and has a great job as a writer for a local publication. And she shared with me how she feels like she needs to be doing more. How she feels this pressure to have made something bigger of her life by the tender age of 24.
Wow. What is happening? When did it become not enough to be a generally good person, make an honest living, take care of one's family, smile at the neighbors, and vote responsibly? Now that we have the capacity to reach nearly everyone on the planet with a tweet or a blog post, and the ability to read about nearly everyone in our assorted blogs and news websites and Facebook feeds, I see a lot of people (clients, myself, friends) running into "compare and despair." Now it's not just the Joneses next door you're trying to keep up with, it's all of humanity!
It becomes more difficult to figure out what you want. There's research to back up how people don't choose when given too many choices. They can't decide where to begin. The brain just shuts down.
Next thing you know, two hours have gone by while you've been scrolling through fascinating articles about amazing people, peppered with funny cat and dog videos. So what do you do?
Give yourself permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life. Focus on your interactions with people in the now moment. At the grocery store. With your family. With your friends. Savor the king cake. Notice the softness of the cat. The dance of the leaves falling from the trees across the street.
Sure, you can still have visions of extraordinary-ness. I have my delusions of Oprah (I'm going to be taping for TV again this Friday! - no, not Oprah!!) I would love to figure out how to do something really big to change the world for the better.
But you know, I like being home. I like talking to one or two people at a time. I like napping. These things make me happy. And they don't destroy the environment. And the Dalai Lama says that if each of us simply strives to be happy, it's one of the best ways to change the whole world.
I'm teaching tonight about money. And here's a hint about what I'm going to say. All those infinite choices? They screw with our money situation too. They cause us to lose focus on what we really want. It's like when you go to a buffet and you end up with a plate full of weird food that doesn't go together. You're surrounded by food and yet you feel yucky and empty.
Get still. Listen. Listen to you. Give yourself permission to lead the life you want. Simple as you want. There's plenty of extraordinary in the ordinary.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let's keep the conversation going!
Get Permission For What You Want
My mentor, Martha Beck, says it all the time. The coaches I hang out with online talk about it constantly. Create a life of rest and play. Rest and play. Rest and play. It sounds so wonderful. But how do you actually do it? How do you give yourself permission to really live life that way?
The holidays are a perfect time to try shifting your life to one of more rest and more play. The best way to do this is to listen to your body. Chances are, your body is craving rest and you're ignoring it because there's so much to do, do, do! Try listening. Try using my sweet cat (or your own pet, as long as it's not a gerbil - they're pretty hyper) as a role model. Lay down. Let out a nice deep sigh. Really rest. Then rest some more. Rest until you honestly don't want to rest anymore.
If you have small kids, a demanding job, or other stuff that keeps you from resting, just do your best. Even if all you have time for is the deep sigh, let your body feel that "resting in place" feeling, while you breathe a couple of really sweet breaths. And then look for how you can gift some rest to you and everyone around you. Skip the party. Chuck the cookie making. Dump a couple of your holiday expectations in favor of something slow and easy.
I'm still learning about rest, but when I do it makes such a difference. I haven't been sick with a cold or other illness in a LOOOONG time and I think it's partly because I let my body rest.Especially if you've been sick at all, give yourself permission to rest. (I can tell already - I'll be focusing on rest in 2014 - it's what we all need!)
Once you're rested enough? Think about play! What feels fun? No, really. What feels fun?Mary Poppins was right. Work feels more fun when you add in some play. (That's the other thing I'll be focusing on in 2014, beginning with playful ways to manage your $$!) I have a pretty play-filled life as it is. but I'm always looking for ways to enjoy life more, worry less, and help you do the same.
What felt fun and playful to me this week was making sock dolls with my fifth grade mentee, coaching some amazing clients, hosting a "virtual campfire" with the wonderful women of Wild and White Blazing, taking silly selfies in the green room before going on TV to talk about "holiday p*rn" (on The 504, Wednesday at 9 p.m.!), enjoying cocktails at the famous Sazerac bar with 15 wonderful wild and precious ladies, and best of all? Getting free tickets to the holiday home tour to peek in on some serious holiday opulence with my sweetheart. Oh, and then there were the Acrocats... see below for more on them! Wow - sometimes I forget how much fun I have!
Go back over your week. Was there enough fun? Does it help to remind yourself of the good stuff? Is there enough in your life that feels like play? What can you switch up to create a more play-filled week? Having trouble giving yourself permission for fun and play? Reply to this email with your questions and I'll answer them in an upcoming post! (And if that activity list above made you tired just reading it? Go back to resting! Give yourself permission to rest!)
On butterflies, manure and being real
This summer we were on a day hike in the Smoky Mountains. We came across a beautiful group of yellow tiger swallowtail butterflies. As we got closer, we could see why they were so tightly gathered. They were all feeding off of the salts and minerals in a big pile of horse manure. These beautiful creatures were getting sustenance from something we’d rather not see, and certainly not step in. The butterflies were benefiting from the poop. It was important. It wasn’t just gross or wasteful or ugly. It had a purpose. It’s interesting. We know not to judge a book by its cover, we have been taught not to assume, we’ve been encouraged to be ourselves, follow our passions, stay true to our dreams, that we’re allowed to get messy in the process. I don’t think there’s one of us who hasn’t heard this advice.
And this is also what I see. I see images everywhere that have been “cleaned up” to make people look more conventionally beautiful. I see people afraid to let others know what they really like or care about, afraid to share their creations, afraid to share their real selves. Afraid to share the messiness.
And who might blame them? We live in a snarky world, full of people (many anonymous) ready to make a snippy comment or cutting remark. Ready to judge, judge, judge and find us coming up short.
Here’s the thing – we can’t make that potential for judgment go away. We can simply stay in our business, living our lives. And when we’re honest about ourselves and take the unnecessary judgment off ourselves (and others), we’re leading the way for others to do the same. Then we can enjoy simply being alive.
Here’s a recent photo I took and shared:
Those beautiful night-blooming flowers by the outdoor tub? They are also popular with the giant roaches (lovingly called palmetto bugs) who also live outside. The tub has duct tape over the overflow hole and a rust-stained bottom.
All of that doesn’t discount the beauty of the flowers, just like the horse manure doesn’t discount the beauty of the butterflies.
Oh, also. There’s dust on the twinkly Christmas lights in our bathroom. There are crumbs in our car. Sometimes I don’t do the dishes. Sometimes we eat popcorn for dinner.
That doesn’t discount the pretty meals I make with farmers’ market tomatoes or the laughter in the kitchen or the love in our house.
I think we all need to give ourselves a little bit of a break. And be ourselves.
You know these picture on this website? The photos are waay natural. They are me. When you meet me, that’s what I look like. I’m wearing hardly any makeup, which is normal for me (unless it’s WIGS and WIGS night or Mardi Gras!) I have wrinkles around my eyes. My hair is not really “done” – it never is! My teeth are not blindingly white, or particularly straight.
That doesn’t discount the light in my eyes, or the love I have of working with people to help them find their right life.
Sometimes I feel like more butterfly, less manure, and sometimes the other way around, but either way, it’s the being real that makes me who I truly am.
What can you put in these blanks? I ______________________, but that doesn’t discount _________________________ Email me your answers or put them in the comments!