Permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life
There's a reason why Pippin is my favorite musical. Pippin is seeking an extraordinary life. He sings about it and he searches for it throughout the entire show. He tries everything. War, sex, revolution. Being king. Nothing is right. In despair, he's taken in by a widow with a young son and he lives an ordinary and happy life on her estate for a year, until he leaves again, convinced that there must be something bigger and better out there - some way for him to do extraordinary things. With one last chance (spoiler alert) to go out literally in a blaze of glory, he balks. He ends up on stage alone without sets, makeup, costumes or music. The widow and the little boy come to hold his hands. And he sings, "I wanted magic shows and miracles, mirages to touch; I wanted such a little thing from life, I wanted so much." The last lines of the song are, "It never was there - I think it was here." It's ridiculous how it hits me. It chokes me up every time. It's a cheesy simple story, but I get it. I get Pippin's quest for a meaningful life, and I get his discovery of the meaning in simple things like love, family and just existing.
There's so much beauty and happiness in the ordinary. Today, a fire in the fireplace. Hot chocolate. King cake to celebrate the beginning of carnival season. Puffy clouds. Yellow sycamore leaves. Sunshine. Smiles. Simply being alive.
We're bombarded every day by stories of extraordinary people. People who have raised zillions of dollars for clean water. People who turned ten bucks and an idea into a multimillion dollar business. People who are changing the world in giant ways. It's downright overwhelming.
There are so many choices today. So many options. So much possibility. Even if you have an ordinary life, maybe you become famous because of your cute recipes. Or your Instagram feed. Or your memoir about your dog. Or your Youtube video. If you're not famous, you should still be doing something that's interesting to someone and sharing it somewhere - Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest - oh my goodness, Pinterest! Land of ten thousand ideas for a cupcake!
I ran into a former student at the grocery store the other day. She's amazing, intelligent, and has a great job as a writer for a local publication. And she shared with me how she feels like she needs to be doing more. How she feels this pressure to have made something bigger of her life by the tender age of 24.
Wow. What is happening? When did it become not enough to be a generally good person, make an honest living, take care of one's family, smile at the neighbors, and vote responsibly? Now that we have the capacity to reach nearly everyone on the planet with a tweet or a blog post, and the ability to read about nearly everyone in our assorted blogs and news websites and Facebook feeds, I see a lot of people (clients, myself, friends) running into "compare and despair." Now it's not just the Joneses next door you're trying to keep up with, it's all of humanity!
It becomes more difficult to figure out what you want. There's research to back up how people don't choose when given too many choices. They can't decide where to begin. The brain just shuts down.
Next thing you know, two hours have gone by while you've been scrolling through fascinating articles about amazing people, peppered with funny cat and dog videos. So what do you do?
Give yourself permission to live an ordinary extraordinary life. Focus on your interactions with people in the now moment. At the grocery store. With your family. With your friends. Savor the king cake. Notice the softness of the cat. The dance of the leaves falling from the trees across the street.
Sure, you can still have visions of extraordinary-ness. I have my delusions of Oprah (I'm going to be taping for TV again this Friday! - no, not Oprah!!) I would love to figure out how to do something really big to change the world for the better.
But you know, I like being home. I like talking to one or two people at a time. I like napping. These things make me happy. And they don't destroy the environment. And the Dalai Lama says that if each of us simply strives to be happy, it's one of the best ways to change the whole world.
I'm teaching tonight about money. And here's a hint about what I'm going to say. All those infinite choices? They screw with our money situation too. They cause us to lose focus on what we really want. It's like when you go to a buffet and you end up with a plate full of weird food that doesn't go together. You're surrounded by food and yet you feel yucky and empty.
Get still. Listen. Listen to you. Give yourself permission to lead the life you want. Simple as you want. There's plenty of extraordinary in the ordinary.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let's keep the conversation going!
Get Permission For What You Want
My mentor, Martha Beck, says it all the time. The coaches I hang out with online talk about it constantly. Create a life of rest and play. Rest and play. Rest and play. It sounds so wonderful. But how do you actually do it? How do you give yourself permission to really live life that way?
The holidays are a perfect time to try shifting your life to one of more rest and more play. The best way to do this is to listen to your body. Chances are, your body is craving rest and you're ignoring it because there's so much to do, do, do! Try listening. Try using my sweet cat (or your own pet, as long as it's not a gerbil - they're pretty hyper) as a role model. Lay down. Let out a nice deep sigh. Really rest. Then rest some more. Rest until you honestly don't want to rest anymore.
If you have small kids, a demanding job, or other stuff that keeps you from resting, just do your best. Even if all you have time for is the deep sigh, let your body feel that "resting in place" feeling, while you breathe a couple of really sweet breaths. And then look for how you can gift some rest to you and everyone around you. Skip the party. Chuck the cookie making. Dump a couple of your holiday expectations in favor of something slow and easy.
I'm still learning about rest, but when I do it makes such a difference. I haven't been sick with a cold or other illness in a LOOOONG time and I think it's partly because I let my body rest.Especially if you've been sick at all, give yourself permission to rest. (I can tell already - I'll be focusing on rest in 2014 - it's what we all need!)
Once you're rested enough? Think about play! What feels fun? No, really. What feels fun?Mary Poppins was right. Work feels more fun when you add in some play. (That's the other thing I'll be focusing on in 2014, beginning with playful ways to manage your $$!) I have a pretty play-filled life as it is. but I'm always looking for ways to enjoy life more, worry less, and help you do the same.
What felt fun and playful to me this week was making sock dolls with my fifth grade mentee, coaching some amazing clients, hosting a "virtual campfire" with the wonderful women of Wild and White Blazing, taking silly selfies in the green room before going on TV to talk about "holiday p*rn" (on The 504, Wednesday at 9 p.m.!), enjoying cocktails at the famous Sazerac bar with 15 wonderful wild and precious ladies, and best of all? Getting free tickets to the holiday home tour to peek in on some serious holiday opulence with my sweetheart. Oh, and then there were the Acrocats... see below for more on them! Wow - sometimes I forget how much fun I have!
Go back over your week. Was there enough fun? Does it help to remind yourself of the good stuff? Is there enough in your life that feels like play? What can you switch up to create a more play-filled week? Having trouble giving yourself permission for fun and play? Reply to this email with your questions and I'll answer them in an upcoming post! (And if that activity list above made you tired just reading it? Go back to resting! Give yourself permission to rest!)
On butterflies, manure and being real
This summer we were on a day hike in the Smoky Mountains. We came across a beautiful group of yellow tiger swallowtail butterflies. As we got closer, we could see why they were so tightly gathered. They were all feeding off of the salts and minerals in a big pile of horse manure. These beautiful creatures were getting sustenance from something we’d rather not see, and certainly not step in. The butterflies were benefiting from the poop. It was important. It wasn’t just gross or wasteful or ugly. It had a purpose. It’s interesting. We know not to judge a book by its cover, we have been taught not to assume, we’ve been encouraged to be ourselves, follow our passions, stay true to our dreams, that we’re allowed to get messy in the process. I don’t think there’s one of us who hasn’t heard this advice.
And this is also what I see. I see images everywhere that have been “cleaned up” to make people look more conventionally beautiful. I see people afraid to let others know what they really like or care about, afraid to share their creations, afraid to share their real selves. Afraid to share the messiness.
And who might blame them? We live in a snarky world, full of people (many anonymous) ready to make a snippy comment or cutting remark. Ready to judge, judge, judge and find us coming up short.
Here’s the thing – we can’t make that potential for judgment go away. We can simply stay in our business, living our lives. And when we’re honest about ourselves and take the unnecessary judgment off ourselves (and others), we’re leading the way for others to do the same. Then we can enjoy simply being alive.
Here’s a recent photo I took and shared:
Those beautiful night-blooming flowers by the outdoor tub? They are also popular with the giant roaches (lovingly called palmetto bugs) who also live outside. The tub has duct tape over the overflow hole and a rust-stained bottom.
All of that doesn’t discount the beauty of the flowers, just like the horse manure doesn’t discount the beauty of the butterflies.
Oh, also. There’s dust on the twinkly Christmas lights in our bathroom. There are crumbs in our car. Sometimes I don’t do the dishes. Sometimes we eat popcorn for dinner.
That doesn’t discount the pretty meals I make with farmers’ market tomatoes or the laughter in the kitchen or the love in our house.
I think we all need to give ourselves a little bit of a break. And be ourselves.
You know these picture on this website? The photos are waay natural. They are me. When you meet me, that’s what I look like. I’m wearing hardly any makeup, which is normal for me (unless it’s WIGS and WIGS night or Mardi Gras!) I have wrinkles around my eyes. My hair is not really “done” – it never is! My teeth are not blindingly white, or particularly straight.
That doesn’t discount the light in my eyes, or the love I have of working with people to help them find their right life.
Sometimes I feel like more butterfly, less manure, and sometimes the other way around, but either way, it’s the being real that makes me who I truly am.
What can you put in these blanks? I ______________________, but that doesn’t discount _________________________ Email me your answers or put them in the comments!
SIMU - it's worse than FOMO!
Have you heard of FOMO? It stands for Fear Of Missing Out and I've seen it mentioned in at least a dozen places in recent months. Apparently, we're all way more susceptible to this now that we can't just see what the neighbors are doing, but instead we're plugged into everyone's life and their pretty photos of their cocktails or dance party or beach vacation or whatever. And Instagram filters make everything look so arty! While we plug into social media and all the rest of the media out there, instead of enjoying where we are, we wonder why we're not in Bali, or climbing some mountain in South America, or at that cool new restaurant that everyone is talking about. And we get all full of anxious chemicals. So we're usually instructed to unplug for goodness sake and pay attention to whatever we're actually doing. And/or take our own photos of cocktails or babies or cats or mountains - and enjoy how pretty they look on Instagram too! (At least this is what I do - I love an arty Instagram photo!) But there's something just as insidious as FOMO, at least for me. I call it SIMU and that stands for S#%t I Made Up. Or Stuff I Made Up if you prefer. And this is something I used to do to myself (honestly I still do it sometimes!) without any help or cocktail photos from anyone else. I would create gigantic lists of stuff that had to get done. I would come up with plans to do way more than is actually possible for someone like me who also likes to nap. And then I would fill up with anxious chemicals when I'd only do ten percent of it. I'd wake up stressing about how I was gonna get it all done and go to bed stressing about what I didn't do.
This wasn't stuff I had to do - it was Stuff I Made Up! In the world of self-help we can really make some serious lists of everything that's going to edify us and make us better people. But the truth is, none of it was crucial. If i didn't feel like yoga class one day, so what? If I didn't feel like writing in my journal, so what? If I didn't feel like blogging, the world would not stop. Slowly, slowly, I've been learning to stop stressing about self-imposed made up stuff, and get clearer and clearer about what it is that I actually want to do. Sometimes I want to practice yoga. Sometimes I want to blog. Often I want to write. I always want to read!
In the 21st century first world, pretty much everything we stress about is made up. By us. Fabricated. Most of what we tell others we're so busy doing and preparing for and overwhelmed by is purely by choice. We could survive, and potentially thrive, with way less. Sometimes the fabrications are created by society and culturally ingrained so they feel real, but they're still made up. Which means we have a choice.
I'm choosing to give up some of my SIMU in order to be able to savor whatever I'm doing in the moment. There is magic in what is happening now. Especially when I pick something to engage in that I love, that challenges me or piques my curiosity. Something I really want to do, not what I think I'm supposed to want to do. Something related to my own desires, not societal expectations.
And then I pick that thing and show up. All the way. All senses present. Instead of half there because my mind has drifted off to some other place in the past or future. Whether it's sitting in the grass doing nothing, practicing my French (still loving that!), writing a blog post or making a pie, I'm there. I might take an Instagram photo though- and make it all arty... :)
How about you? Have you discovered some SIMU recently that you don't feel like doing anymore? What would your summer feel like if you dumped the SIMU every day that you just don't want to do? Would that give you more time and space for the stuff you really care about, the stuff that you keep putting off?
If you want to chat about this further, come join my class tonight called Pie in the Sky -it's all about bringing back the fun and getting something done this summer, and one strategy is to dump your unwanted SIMU. And if you're reading this blog post way after the fact, the class will be recorded, so you can get it anytime!
Savoring Summer
Every year, when I think about summer, I notice this big competition in my brain. On the one hand, I picture all the good stuff from my childhood - a blank expanse of days to do with what I want, run around in the sprinkler, go to the pool, eat popsicles, ride bikes until it's too dark to see, read endlessly without interruption, and go camping! On the other hand, the adult part of my brain stacks up a bunch of projects and tasks that are going to get done "this summer". Like my brand new website. And cool programs I'm working on. And lots of writing. And house renovation stuff. The list can get pretty long. And worrying about or avoiding what's on the "adult" list or slogging through too many projects in one day both can cut into my ability to enjoy the fun stuff. If I've worked all day I'm resentful that there wasn't some lovely pool time, and if I've avoided or worried instead, maybe "sneaking" some fun in like a marathon reading session of a book I can't put down, then I'm also kind of miserable, because I didn't do my work. This summer I've decided to change things up. The first thing I realized I needed to change were my unreasonable expectations about what I can actually accomplish in a summer. Summer is not infinite, even though it seemed that way in early June back when we were seven years old. The other thing I realized is that I was tired of not enjoying the "fun" things because I was only half there, the other half of me worrying about the big projects that were sitting untouched. So I decided to get gentle with myself. I sat down and created a beautiful vision board for summer with lots of relaxing pinks and blues, and words like "gentle", "short and sweet", "easy" and "celebrate".
I decided to prioritize a couple of extra-fun things for myself. I'm studying French! I'm practicing French every day, something completely new to me, and it is such FUN! I'm also making sure there are plenty of excursions, big and small, this summer. About two days after I made this board, I headed out on the Appalachian Trail for a week, and look at what I saw on the first day!
It's like my vision board came to life before my eyes, with the exact same colors. The woods were full of pink rhododendrons and fluffy white mountain laurel. The clouds and sky were lavender and blue. Truly magical.
Oh, and the couple of big projects like my website and programs? Now that I've given myself some space and permission to have some real and unobstructed fun, they're happening too, in a reasonable and happy way. Free (mostly) of angst. I know - it sounds kind of pie in the sky. But it's amazing how some tiny mental shifts can make such a difference.
If you're in a similar boat and want a little more help getting your summer straight and having it be a tasty mix of fun and getting stuff done, you're invited to my one hour class called Pie in the Sky! It's on Tuesday, June 25, 7:30 p.m. Central, on the phone (recorded if you can't make it live), and it's going to be fabulous! Pie recipes will be included! We'll figure out how you can savor your summer instead of slog through it, while still getting some major stuff accomplished. Details and sign up here. Come join if it feels delicious!