Get Permission For What You Want

My mentor, Martha Beck, says it all the time. The coaches I hang out with online talk about it constantly.  Create a life of rest and play.  Rest and play.  Rest and play.  It sounds so wonderful.  But how do you actually do it? How do you give yourself permission to really live life that way? 

The holidays are a perfect time to try shifting your life to one of more rest and more play. The best way to do this is to listen to your body. Chances are, your body is craving rest and you're ignoring it because there's so much to do, do, do!  Try listening.  Try using my sweet cat (or your own pet, as long as it's not a gerbil - they're pretty hyper) as a role model.  Lay down. Let out a nice deep sigh.  Really rest.  Then rest some more. Rest until you honestly don't want to rest anymore.  

If you have small kids, a demanding job, or other stuff that keeps you from resting, just do your best.  Even if all you have time for is the deep sigh, let your body feel that "resting in place" feeling, while you breathe a couple of really sweet breaths. And then look for how you can gift some rest to you and everyone around you.  Skip the party.  Chuck the cookie making.  Dump a couple of your holiday expectations in favor of something slow and easy. 

I'm still learning about rest, but when I do it makes such a difference.  I haven't been sick with a cold or other illness in a LOOOONG time and I think it's partly because I let my body rest.Especially if you've been sick at all, give yourself permission to rest.  (I can tell already - I'll be focusing on rest in 2014 - it's what we all need!) 

Once you're rested enough?  Think about play!  What feels fun? No, really.  What feels fun?Mary Poppins was right.  Work feels more fun when you add in some play.   (That's the other thing I'll be focusing on in 2014, beginning with playful ways to manage your $$!)  I have a pretty play-filled life as it is. but I'm always looking for ways to enjoy life more, worry less, and help you do the same. 

What felt fun and playful to me this week was making sock dolls with my fifth grade mentee, coaching some amazing clients, hosting a "virtual campfire" with the wonderful women of Wild and White Blazing,  taking silly selfies in the green room before going on TV to talk about "holiday p*rn" (on The 504, Wednesday at 9 p.m.!), enjoying cocktails at the famous Sazerac bar with 15 wonderful wild and precious ladies, and best of all?  Getting free tickets to the holiday home tour to peek in on some serious holiday opulence with my sweetheart. Oh, and then there were the Acrocats... see below for more on them!  Wow - sometimes I forget how much fun I have! 

Go back over your week.  Was there enough fun? Does it help to remind yourself of the good stuff?  Is there enough in your life that feels like play? What can you switch up to create a more play-filled week?  Having trouble giving yourself permission for fun and play? Reply to this email with your questions and I'll answer them in an upcoming post! (And if that activity list above made you tired just reading it?  Go back to resting! Give yourself permission to rest!)

On butterflies, manure and being real

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This summer we were on a day hike in the Smoky Mountains.  We came across a beautiful group of yellow tiger swallowtail butterflies.  As we got closer, we could see why they were so tightly gathered.  They were all feeding off of the salts and minerals in a big pile of horse manure.  These beautiful creatures were getting sustenance from something we’d rather not see, and certainly not step in.  The butterflies were benefiting from the poop.  It was important.  It wasn’t just gross or wasteful or ugly.  It had a purpose. It’s interesting.  We know not to judge a book by its cover, we have been taught not to assume, we’ve been encouraged to be ourselves, follow our passions, stay true to our dreams, that we’re allowed to get messy in the process.  I don’t think there’s one of us who hasn’t heard this advice.

And this is also what I see.  I see images everywhere that have been “cleaned up” to make people look more conventionally beautiful.  I see people afraid to let others know what they really like or care about, afraid to share their creations, afraid to share their real selves.  Afraid to share the messiness.

And who might blame them?  We live in a snarky world, full of people (many anonymous) ready to make a snippy comment or cutting remark.  Ready to judge, judge, judge and find us coming up short.

Here’s the thing – we can’t make that potential for judgment go away.  We can simply stay in our business, living our lives.  And when we’re honest about ourselves and take the unnecessary judgment off ourselves (and others), we’re leading the way for others to do the same.  Then we can enjoy simply being alive.

Here’s a recent photo I took and shared:

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Those beautiful night-blooming flowers by the outdoor tub?  They are also popular with the giant roaches (lovingly called palmetto bugs) who also live outside.  The tub has duct tape over the overflow hole and a rust-stained bottom.

All of that doesn’t discount the beauty of the flowers, just like the horse manure doesn’t discount the beauty of the butterflies.

Oh, also.  There’s dust on the twinkly Christmas lights in our bathroom.  There are crumbs in our car.  Sometimes I don’t do the dishes.  Sometimes we eat popcorn for dinner.

That doesn’t discount the pretty meals I make with farmers’ market tomatoes or the laughter in the kitchen or the love in our house.

I think we all need to give ourselves a little bit of a break.  And be ourselves.

You know these picture on this website?  The photos are waay natural.  They are me.   When you meet me, that’s what I look like.  I’m wearing hardly any makeup, which is normal for me (unless it’s WIGS and WIGS night or Mardi Gras!) I have wrinkles around my eyes.  My hair is not really “done” – it never is!   My teeth are not blindingly white, or particularly straight.

That doesn’t discount the light in my eyes, or the love I have of working with people to help them find their right life.

Sometimes I feel like more butterfly, less manure, and sometimes the other way around, but either way, it’s the being real that makes me who I truly am.

What can you put in these blanks?  I ______________________, but that doesn’t discount _________________________ Email me your answers or put them in the comments!

SIMU - it's worse than FOMO!

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Have you heard of FOMO?  It stands for Fear Of Missing Out and I've seen it mentioned in at least a dozen places in recent months.  Apparently, we're all way more susceptible to this now that we can't just see what the neighbors are doing, but instead we're plugged into everyone's life and their pretty photos of their cocktails or dance party or beach vacation or whatever.  And Instagram filters make everything look so arty! While we plug into social media and all the rest of the media out there, instead of enjoying where we are, we wonder why we're not in Bali, or climbing some mountain in South America, or at that cool new restaurant that everyone is talking about.  And we get all full of anxious chemicals. So we're usually instructed to unplug for goodness sake and pay attention to whatever we're actually doing.  And/or take our own photos of cocktails or babies or cats or mountains - and enjoy how pretty they look on Instagram too! (At least this is what I do - I love an arty Instagram photo!) But there's something just as insidious as FOMO, at least for me.  I call it SIMU and that stands for S#%t I Made Up.  Or Stuff I Made Up if you prefer. And this is something I used to do to myself (honestly I still do it sometimes!) without any help or cocktail photos from anyone else.  I would create gigantic lists of stuff that had to get done.  I  would come up with plans to do way more than is actually possible for someone like me who also likes to nap.  And then I would fill up with anxious chemicals when I'd only do ten percent of it.  I'd wake up stressing about how I was gonna get it all done and go to bed stressing about what I didn't do.

This wasn't stuff I had to do - it was Stuff I Made Up!  In the world of self-help we can really make some serious lists of everything that's going to edify us and make us better people.  But the truth is, none of it was crucial.  If i didn't feel like yoga class one day, so what? If I didn't feel like writing in my journal, so what?  If I didn't feel like blogging, the world would not stop.  Slowly, slowly, I've been learning to stop stressing about self-imposed made up stuff, and get clearer and clearer about what it is that I actually want to do. Sometimes I want to practice yoga.  Sometimes I want to blog.  Often I want to write.  I always want to read!

In the 21st century first world, pretty much everything we stress about is made up.  By us. Fabricated. Most of what we tell others we're so busy doing and preparing for and overwhelmed by is purely by choice.  We could survive, and potentially thrive, with way less. Sometimes the fabrications are created by society and culturally ingrained so they feel real, but they're still made up. Which means we have a choice.

I'm choosing to give up some of my SIMU in order to be able to savor whatever I'm doing in the moment.  There is magic in what is happening now.  Especially when I pick something to engage in that I love, that challenges me or piques my curiosity.  Something I really want to do, not what I think I'm supposed to want to do.  Something related to my own desires, not societal expectations.

And then I pick that thing and show up.  All the way.  All senses present.  Instead of half there because my mind has drifted off to some other place in the past or future.  Whether it's sitting in the grass doing nothing, practicing my French (still loving that!), writing a blog post or making a pie, I'm there. I might take an Instagram photo though- and make it all arty... :)

How about you?  Have you discovered some SIMU recently that you don't feel like doing anymore?  What would your summer feel like if you dumped the SIMU every day that you just don't want to do?  Would that give you more time and space for the stuff you really care about, the stuff that you keep putting off?

If you want to chat about this further, come join my class tonight called Pie in the Sky -it's all about bringing back the fun and getting something done this summer, and one strategy is to dump your unwanted SIMU.  And if you're reading this blog post way after the fact, the class will be recorded, so you can get it anytime!

Savoring Summer

Every year, when I think about summer, I notice this big competition in my brain. On the one hand, I picture all the good stuff from my childhood - a blank expanse of days to do with what I want, run around in the sprinkler, go to the pool, eat popsicles, ride bikes until it's too dark to see, read endlessly without interruption, and go camping!  On the other hand, the adult part of my brain stacks up a bunch of projects and tasks that are going to get done "this summer". Like my brand new website.  And cool programs I'm working on.  And lots of writing.  And house renovation stuff.  The list can get pretty long.  And worrying about or avoiding what's on the "adult" list or slogging through too many projects in one day both can cut into my ability to enjoy the fun stuff.  If I've worked all day I'm resentful that there wasn't some lovely pool time, and if I've avoided or worried instead, maybe "sneaking" some fun in like a marathon reading session of a book I can't put down, then I'm also kind of miserable, because I didn't do my work. This summer I've decided to change things up.  The first thing I realized I needed to change were my unreasonable expectations about what I can actually accomplish in a summer. Summer is not infinite, even though it seemed that way in early June back when we were seven years old.   The other thing I realized is that I was tired of not enjoying the "fun" things because I was only half there, the other half of me worrying about the big projects that were sitting untouched.  So I decided to get gentle with myself.  I sat down and created a beautiful vision board for summer with lots of relaxing pinks and blues, and words like "gentle", "short and sweet", "easy" and "celebrate".

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I decided to prioritize a couple of extra-fun things for myself.  I'm studying French!  I'm practicing French every day, something completely new to me, and it is such FUN! I'm also making sure there are plenty of excursions, big and small, this summer. About two days after I made this board, I headed out on the Appalachian Trail for a week, and look at what I saw on the first day!

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It's like my vision board came to life before my eyes, with the exact same colors.  The woods were full of pink rhododendrons and fluffy white mountain laurel.  The clouds and sky were lavender and blue.  Truly magical.

Oh, and the couple of big projects like my website and programs?  Now that I've given myself some space and permission to have some real and unobstructed fun, they're happening too, in a reasonable and happy way.  Free (mostly) of angst. I know - it sounds kind of pie in the sky. But it's amazing how some tiny mental shifts can make such a difference.

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If you're in a similar boat and want a little more help getting your summer straight and having it be a tasty mix of fun and getting stuff done, you're invited to my one hour class called Pie in the Sky! It's on Tuesday, June 25, 7:30 p.m. Central, on the phone (recorded if you can't make it live), and it's going to be fabulous!  Pie recipes will be included!  We'll figure out how you can savor your summer instead of slog through it, while still getting some major stuff accomplished. Details and sign up here. Come join if it feels delicious!

Are you missing the three-leafed clovers?

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I've had a really sick cat. (But he might be getting better.)  And I'm not beyond being a little superstitious, even when it's a bit silly.  So today, when we got home from the vet, he went out to rest in the grass and I decided to join him as I often do.  Grass time is always important. And while I was sitting there, amidst the clover, I thought I'd search for a four-leafed clover.  They're not as uncommon as you might think, and I thought finding one could be a sign. Something to comfort me.  To convince me that everything would be ok, and that Buster isn't on his ninth life just quite yet.  One like this one I found in about two minutes a month or so ago.

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So I ruffled through the leaves, gazed past all the three-leafed clovers, looking for my prize.  And then something happened.  I got caught up in how pretty the raindrops looked on the leaves.  I ruminated about the cycle of life, right there before me, in fresh clover flowers and ones that had already browned and gone to seed.  I noticed how many shades of green there are, just in clover leaves.

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And I realized I didn't need to find a four-leafed clover today.  I already had my prize.

How often in life do we skip over all the beautiful everyday moments - the three-leafed clovers- while we're waiting and searching, anticipating our prize - a big event, a vacation, something major to look forward to?  It's fascinating, isn't it?

How would life be different if we did a better job of noticing three-leafed clovers?  All the small miracles - all the beauty and magic that surrounds us.  How many millions of three-leafed clover moments are there - ready to be savored and appreciated?

What three-leafed clover moments have you noticed lately?  I would love to hear about them.  Share yours in the comments, if you like.

P. S. As I wrap up this post much later in the evening, I'm happy to report that the sweet cat has indeed revived, yet again.  And I am savoring every 3-leafed moment with him.